Whats the point

So many questions and answers that dont really seem to measure up. I'm tired. So very very tired of this existence. I fail to see the point of going on. Why go to sleep every night only to wake to more physical pains, the pangs of being alone and the reality that when you are gone nobody is going to give a shit. I mean lets be real there arent many who care now and if they do they certainly arent going out of their way to show it. Of course thats the beauty of it all, take something for granted until its gone. However I couldnt be so proud to think of myself as someone taken for granted. I'm sitting back and while I toil away working and dealing with ailments and the like, I'm watching all those around me. All those who seemingly have everything they want. Whether its money, careers, loved ones, families and I say what the fuck. I say what makes me so unworthy of these things. People have told me you have to better yourself. I wonder exactly what that means. I am who I am. I can't change me, not this late in the game. I can change physical appearance but the inner workings, they are set in stone. I dont believe everyone is going to be a millionaire, and I dont believe I ever will be one, nor do I think I should be one. I work hard. I'm definitely looking to improve that area of my life but that doesn't explain this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. I don't put stock in making money, and material things because its all temporary. I have placed stock in being a good person, living to do what is right, having honor and honesty in all I do. As always I will say Im not perfect, and I fail but for the most part I try to live by these standards. However it seems like I've been investing in shit. Those things hold no value in this world. Its all about being a douchebag, about being rich any way possible. We live in a world where everyone believes they deserve and should be celebrities. People doing ridiculous things on "reality tv" just to get some recognition and 15 minutes of fame and its shameful. However they are rewarded. They have what I do not. They are revered while I am invisible. When I was young I use to think invisibility would be really cool. Oh the pranks you could pull, the items you could take and the things you could get away with. I for the most part have been invisible. I go around like a ghost and when people notice me its mostly because they have a need. However once needs are met or problems solved I am no longer visible. Now you may say this is melodramatic, all in my head but as far as I am concerned after 29 years of being alive this is my truth. This is my reality. If you haven't walked a mile in my shoes I dont expect you to understand. Trust me on this one, I have no reason to lie about what I feel no matter how fleeting they are. So where does that leave me? Well if anyone could see me, it has to be God right? Right? Faith is failing me. I do believe God is there. However I am starting to question whether He has any plans for me other then personal entertainment. Yes some of you at this point will point to Job, and his trial and while thats cool, I dont care to be Job. I have all but stopped praying these days. My faith is shattered. I know its selfish, however I just dont see what the point is when nothing but misfortune follows. I'm in pain, and there is no remedy for it. I think of that Metallica song, the god that failed. I think of the lyric, "Broken is the promise, betrayal/ the healing hand held back by the deepend nail" Sends chills down my spine really because while I dont believe it I can sympathize with the writer of said lyrics. In a world where being wicked is the right thing to do why wouldnt one feel this way? In a world where people are left to suffer why wouldnt people believe this? Then there is the thing that hurts me the most. The fear I dread more then clowns, cancer and death. Being alone. Its nothing new for me to admit that when I am alone it is when I am at my most creative and insanely so, and also my most vulnerable. It is in this time that I reflect, think, dwell, stew, and my inner most hopes and fears, peace and despair and a wide range of emotions pour forth from me. As in the time of this writing. Without sounding crazy which anyone who has read this blog clearly knows I more then likely am, my demons are at there most mischievous. Its in these moments everything is exemplified. The pains hurt that much more, the feelings of inadequacy sting like a cat of nine tails. Its a feeding frenzy and Im the chum in the water. Yet it all comes back to this one point, you are alone and nobody gives a shit. Nobody will look past your obvious blemishes, your flaws, nobody cares what kind of heart you have. Nobody cares how well you can treat them. Nobody cares about your feelings. Nobody cares about the things you hold dear. NOBODY WILL MISS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GONE! Its not for lack of trying. I have reached out to people and put myself out there more then ever before. It reminds me of why I never do in the first place. My value as someone to confide in or as mere entertainment for the bored are irrefutable. However when will I find the someone who just loves me. Its a broken record I know. However I want to know what that is before I die. I want to know what its like to have someone love me not because of material things, not because of what I can do for them. Jut because they see me and care about what they see. They see a man, with strengths and weaknesses, but still love what they see. They see a man who will never be Brad Pitt, who will never be an Adonis, but love him all the same. Its asking too much especially now. In a world where the wrong things are celebrated love has suffered the most. I often wonder if anyone really knows what love is anymore. I question if I really know what it is anymore. Times running out and I am just readying myself for its eventual end. Whether that will be a sweet release from this peril or a nightmarish awakening is yet to be seen. The weather is terrible and all I want to do is go for a walk. My foot is killing me and with the rain my knee isnt any better. Signs of decay are everywhere. Lately I simply cannot find any joy. I know why. I want and don't have with the realization I may never have. Thats why there is no joy. Hope is but a terrible illusion no more real than the boogeyman. I guess Im readying the white flag because Im tired of soldiering on through this. Im tired of doing this alone. I'm mad at myself and mad at the world around me. Yet I know me, I won't throw in the towel. I'll keep going, forging through the darkness. Hope while seemingly an illusion is far better then the reality. Its at this moment like a sun that never warms. However having that image and the hope that one day I will feel its warm embrace, keeps me going. So many questions...

Burning

The world is on fire Everything susceptile to the raging inferno we've done it to ourselves I feel no remorse for anyone I feel many things However remorse and sympathy have burned up Relationships and friendships, ashes In the kiln of this flame I stand Among the floating ashes Among the charred flesh and bones Contempt all I feel The monster inside Your monster The one you created I have fought diligently To keep the beast at bay Yet you wouldnt allow it to be With your false pity Your judging eyes remorseless, to my plight Then the audacity to come for help Only to disappear once you have what you want I set this fire, refining Then like the phoenix I will rise Even if it means stepping upon your remains Then you'll cry, petition, plead You'll wish I wasnt soaring so high I won't hear you anymore Then you will wish...

Frustration

I don't even know where to begin. Needless to say I have been extremely frustrated with situations in my life. People, friends, enemies, just so damn frustrating. Double standards...I HATE THEM!!!! They plague my very existence. When other people do terrible things to me selfishly it is with good reason, when I stand up for myself it is wrong. DOUBLE STANDARD!!! When I call someone out for their crimes against me I am a villain. I am cast out. When I express my feelings, when I try in vain to keep them in check to the point where I cant help but explode I am vilified. When people fail to see the injustices committed against me because they are too proud or stubborn to admit any wrong doing it just drives me insane. I can admit when I am wrong and more often then not I am but there are those few times when enough is enough. When I am entitled to defend myself. Moments when I am entitled to feel angry and disappointed. Yet I am told I should not, that I have no reason to feel what I feel. That I have no right to act in my frustration and to those I say screw you. Lord knows you who would dare sit there and say Im not allowed to feel this way have done the very same thing. I have witnessed it. DOUBLE STANDARD!!! Dont even get me started on being told that what I feel is wrong. I can't stand how many times I have sat there and listened to someone whine and cry about how they feel even if what they feel is absolutely ridiculous. I try to put myself in their shoes, hear them out because whether or not I agree they are allowed to feel how they are in the moment. Does it make sense to me when people cheat on spouses? No, but they have their reasons and I can sit even though I disagree and hear them out. Its the least I can do. If my opinion is asked I'll share it, no punches pulled. However, when I feel something, be it love, be it anger I am told to put a sock in it. DOUBLE STANDARD!!! I wish I was expressing this better but Im angry as I type this so it probably wont come out how I want it. Truth is I am just sick and tired of rules that only apply to me while everyone around me breaks them. I dont mean the rules and code I live by, I mean the rules and restrictions imposed on me by this world and her people. Maybe I am crazy, maybe slowly but surely I am losing my mind but I feel strongly that I am right. That I have a right to be angry when I feel I have been played, used, hurt. I am allow to feel hurt. Whether someone means to do it or not, I am allowed to feel it and I damn well should be allowed to express it. I admit, I dont always express it the right way. Most of the time I just try my best to swallow it, but you can only swallow poison so long before you regurgitate. Yes there are parts of me that really want revenge. Parts of me that want to really stick it to those who from my perspective have caused me harm. Its only human right? I know me though, I will get none because in the end I will cool off and realize that Im better then this. That I am better than those who could cause me harm. That those in my life who should mean anything to me are those who show me the respect I deserve, not in words but in deeds. I know people are prone to making mistakes, we all do. Im not asking for perfection from anyone I know and therefore I would expect them not to hold me to it either. I can forgive, and move on. I always have. Its how Im still alive today. If I didnt let go of all the bullshit I have dealt with, Im sure I'd either be in jail or dead. I trust that those who think they can just do whatever they want without thought of those around them will pay some day. I dont need the blood to be on my hands because then Im no better then they are. Its why I love Batman so much. He is crazy himself, but what sets him apart from the criminals he faces is his code, he doesnt kill, he lets the law do its job. He is above those criminals because he doesnt allow himself to descend to their level. I dont want to bring myself down to anyone elses level. this rubs people the wrong way and I have made enemies because of it. Nobody will dictate to me my footsteps. Not any human being anyway. So yes I am frustrated but Im not defeated. Im not down and out despite what some may hope. I may have suffered set backs but Im still getting up. I'll continue to be me for better or worse. I'll keep getting up until this flesh can do so no longer. I want to apologise for my shortcomings. For those I have let down, I am sorry. For all of my failures I am deeply sorry. I can be a man and admit them though I know plenty who will not. If I could make them all right I would. If I had all the answers or an elixir to cure the ills I have caused others I would. Im only human. However this is another blog for another day. To those I have hurt I am sorry. To those who have hurt me without remorse, I trust you will be dealt with some day but it wont be by me unless...there is no other way.

Unrequited

So Im awake after a nap. My dreams taunt me with a reality that is unattainable. People have accused me of being guarded and distant. There are probably reasons for that. I am not one who is easily able to express how I feel verbally. The words get mumbled and it doesnt come out quite the way I would like it. Secondly, I have never really had a forum I have felt comfortable to express myself in for quite some time now. However in the interest of fairness to an audience of whomever I will be completely honest in this very blog. Honest about the one thing I want more in life than riches, or popularity, or even all the transformers in the world, I want to be loved. I dont care anymore if that sounds gay or too sensitive, that truly is all I want out of this world. I want memories with someone I love who in return loves me. Loves me not for the person they want me to be, or because they pity me, or because they feel obligated to, just because they see me for me and want me around the rest of their life. When I was a kid, my parents divorced when I was really young. As a kid I couldnt understand what was going on. How did they fall out of love? Why did they even get married if this was the end result? Did they love eachother once? Ever? Did it just vanish? These questions plagued me at a young age as I struggled to cope with it. It shook me until this day. Commitment doesnt come easy for me nor does trust. I have few friends in life because I lack the ability to trust and manage so many of them. Among those friends are female friends. Im about to reveal a problem I have in relationships. One that most will argue isnt a problem and yet in my experience is a huge problem. When it comes to liking a girl, someone I want to be with as more then friends, I always look to the ones I have as friends. Reason being because I know the person well, because I have learned to trust this person. They are beautiful, Im not going to lie and say attraction isnt important but beyond the physical I can say I love the person they are. I love the times we share together. I eventually grow to love them. Therein lies the problem. You see I have never been the kind of guy to walk into a bar find a girl I dont know and just start making out with her. I cant do it. I know Im weird and Im ok with that but this is shining a light on me and not easy for me to write. My biggest strength and my biggest weakness has always been myself, my code. Back on point though, this method of meeting and trying to court women is a brick wall as you drive 100MPH. Yet its the only way I can ever get to a point of wanting someone. The only way I can desire to be with someone is if I can trust them, it isnt just physical. I cant even fathom sex or anything like that with someone I dont have some kind of connection to. I know again weird but again its me so deal. So now the worst part of it all. What do you do when you fall in love with a girl who is a friend? Well, I have managed to have this happen. I was lucky enough that the stars alined and this happened. Both times I was left with my heart broken. Im not going to sit here and say that it was all their fault, as I am not a perfect being but I think I did the best I could to love them, unconditionally. However, when my trust is broken and destroyed I get cold. I become disinterested and I eventually shut down. It doesnt mean I dont love this person, I never stopped but for me the breaking of my heart, trust, is an offense that I cannot tolerate. I tried, believe me I have and it simply doesnt work in the end. I become paranoid around the person, always waiting for the next blow to come from somewhere. Its terrible but this is how I am. You see when I get to the point where I can look you in the eye and say I love you I am all in. You get 100% of me. My time, my energy, my care and concern, my thoughts, my resources, nothing is off limits. Its how I love. I vowed to myself after my parents divorced that it will not be me. That in any relationship I will try my best to make it work. Even if its all falling apart I will fight for the person I love, even if the ship is going down. Funny thing is the only way I know how to get to that point of saying I love you is by being a friend to someone. This goes against the way a lot of people date. The ideal way is you meet someone who you dont know well and go on a few dates and learn about the person as you go and if you like them great if not then you end it. I feel like that takes too much effort and time. Also because of the way I am I just dont meet girls in terms of I want to bang this girl. Yes I can look at a girl and say she is hot or beautiful but in my mind and heart that does not mean I want to be with them. If I dont want to be with them then I have no business doing anything sexual even kissing with this person. This is how I am. Please understand Im not sying my way is right, Im just being open about my plight here. So you can imagine being this way more often then not leaves me alone. More often then not leaves me harboring feelings for someone who wll never feel the same way back. This is the real problem, where being me blows up in my face. There is a girl who for all intensive purposes is one of my best friends. She is a 10 in my book. Beautiful and smart and I gotta say pretty damn funny to. To my dismay lately I find that there is nowhere else I want to be but where she is. I want to see her smile and here her voice. My heart tends to skip a beat whenever my phone rings and I see its her. (Authors note:please dont hate me for writing this should you read it.) In my perfect world, the world in which my dreams lately have taken me to I would be with her because I know in my heart that I love this girl more then she could ever know. Always have in a way, slowly ofcourse but in retrospect this person has always held a special place in my heart all her own. However, she does not feel the same way. Now I know what you are saying, quit being a loser and cut your loses and you are right. However remember that thing earlier about loving 100% well...she hasnt given me any reason to not love her or care about her. I hope she never does because I value our friendship above a lot of others. Yet because of how I am, because of who I am I cant let it go. I want to let it go. I do. For the sake of our friendship I do. Yet when you know what you want you cant just let it go. Another problem, because items you want you can always hold out and get but love not so much. Its not like you can make a wish, or buy the love of someone like a prepaid phone. So Im stuck in this rut. I have laid there next to her, STRICTLY PLUTONIC, and thought I could live happy having her be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I go to sleep. Believe me when I tell you, this is really hard to write about for fear of repercussions. Also believe me when I tell you I know this will never go away completely. There are ways for me to bury it sure, hide it away. Yet I believe in my heart she will always hold a very special place. I want her to be happy though, and if that isnt with me I can deal with it, I have before and I will again. I know she will make a great wife to somebody and be a great mom one day. I really do wish her the best even though selfishly I wish it were with me. So now you see my plight. Why love is so hard for me to come by. Simply because Im already screwed up and Im not afraid to say it. A friend of mine once told me you cant help who you fall in love with. I use to dispute this and now I see the picture more clearly. I do believe you can prevent yourself from falling for someone through just avoiding them but once you are hooked its over. There is no escaping the intoxicating aromas. Like I said before, its all I want. I want to fall in love, with one girl, for the rest of my life. I want to experience the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations and pure joy and ecstasy of being with the one I love. I believe it will happen. One day but I often worry about time. Im getting older and I really fear that it wont happen. That I'll die alone. I just have to keep living in love. To my family, friends and eventually my love. I believe she is out there somewhere. I may know her already, seeing as how I do things but life is unpredictable and love even more so. One day Im going to write a blog about her, celebrating her, until then, if you have someone and you love them, let them know you do not in words but in actions. It truly is the greatest gift we can have on earth, the heart of another human being.

The problem with wanting

So Im awake at 3:40am on this cold thursday morning. Alone as always, in the silence that is so loud. Thoughts race through my mind, heart aching as is customary in my loneliness. I think of the things I want. No, the thing I want, which isn't fair to say because it is not a thing I want but a someone. I have heard it said there is nothing wrong with wanting but Im starting to believe that there needs to be an amendment to such a statement. There is nothing wrong with wanting so long as what you want is tangible and possible. I could want to be with a movie star and that is just foolish and thus shouldnt be sought after. However what do you do when you want something that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt would make you happy? Even if it isnt possible? You stubbornly wont give up on it. You know because your heart and mind are in agreement that this turn of events would make you happy. So what do you do? I honestly do not have an answer. Its easy to say just find something else but again you know that something else wouldnt be the thing you want most. Allow me to explain in simpler terms. Lets say there is a Masterpiece Optimus Prime out there. It is the PERFECT Optimus, the best G1 Optimus EVER MADE!(Look I dont care what you think this is my blog and this does exist by the way.) Now lets just say you didnt have the means, lets say it cost too much or you could only get it fom Japan by flying there to get it. You know in your heart that is the one you want, the only, no question, no doubt. So you say to yourself well there are other G1 Primes out there. You could get Masterpiece 01 Optimus. He is cool, but he isnt the perfect one, he isnt the best one ever made. So do you settle? Even if you know in your heart that you wont love the MP 01 as much as the Masterpiece OP in japan? I know for me I just cant do it. So what do you do when it comes to something much more important, like the love of another person? You can't make anyone love you, its the problem with wanting someone. There is never a guarantee they will love you back. Even if you had a Genie, you cant make someone love you. ( I saw Aladdin, I know the rules.) So the question still remains what to do? Will the want ever die? This isnt the best thing I have written nor does it make much sense, but it is late so forgive me. You are never truly prepared for the twists that life can throw your way. No matter how much schooling you get nobody can teach you how to deal with the fickle, rollercoaster like feelings you will develop in your lifetime. I hope the wanting will die but I know for as long as I live in wont. It is an anomaly, an x factor, something that is unexplained but just is. I hate it. Its the problem with wanting what you cant have. I can get Masterpiece prime, thats easy when its material. The problem with wanting is when you want something that cannot be bought, bargained for or predicted. When you want something as complex as love.

A bullet or a kiss

Stomach aches, muscles are tense and my head is spinning. The ignorance brings me bliss. With the bliss though there is always the hint of saddness believing that reality is just waiting to close the door in my face. Its ridiculous and my mind has done everything to seaze ccontrol of the situation. To bring a logical conclusion and finish this. Yet my eyes, ears, hopes and dreams betray my mind. My heart leads my mind astray, succumbing to the intoxicating aromas, a spell is cast. My mind is conflicted, knowing that what I am feeling is little more than an illusion of hope yet unable to stop wanting more of the drug. Its unrequited my mind screams, it doesnt exist, its a falacy, a trap...yet I cant look away. I cant stop going for it. My mind has lost control of my limbs, the body is entranced. I am no longer strong enough to resist. There is only one way for the spell to be broken, a bullet, straight to the heart. You hold the gun that can bring me freedom, that can liberate me from this prison. Please hold nothing back, if you care at all. Would do me this favor? Unless there is something to this feeling, unless this prison can become my paradise. It can only be sealed with a bullet or a kiss.

Tired ravings

In my dark I cry out. Words falling upon the deafness of the night. Nobody seems to care. The stars continue to twinkle in ignorance, the man on the moon mocking me with his contempt. I hear the whipsers of nameless faces as they cast their judgement, roars of laughter at my plight. The howls of hungry wolves who can smell blood. This wasteland bears no fruit and no drink. My lips are dry and my voice is hoarse. My body has betrayed me...aging...breaking. Its only a matter of time now. Thunder booms in the distance, chastising, disheartening. Lightning flashes, images of my failures. Then the morning comes, the sun comes to reveal all of my imperfections. It is a light that never warms but leaves me colder then the nights. Empty promises have brought me to starvation, hollow words cannot quench my thirst. Fear has bound my hands and feet so long I have forgotten their use. I lay stagnant, rotting from the inside out. The vampires I have known, suck the life from me, a husk I become. Their bites leaving marks I will never forget. Crawling through this desert like a serpent cast from paradise. Peace...just some peace...of mind, body and soul. Who truly understands the ravings of a mad man. I speak a language all my own.