Saturday, December 21, 2013

untitled

Hello my beloved
Its been so long since you left
Do you recognize me?
Stare into these eyes
Do you see me now?
Can you see the fading embers of love?
Can you see the man I use to be?
I still bleed from the knife in my back.
You remember the one don't you?
I cant say I didn't see it coming
I chose not to believe nay,
I chose to believe in you.
My love and trust rewarded by lies and betrayal
I've learned a lot since then
My heart encased in walls of ice
Enclosing the faintest of heartbeats
It still beats, it still yearns, longing to be loved again

Look at me now, just a shell
does anybody see me anymore?
Can they bear the sight of me?
Your creation, guarded, bleeding, and broken.
Alienated, yet I feel the stares
Pity, hatred and disgust like daggers
They cant accept me nor I them
Im distant in order to protect myself
its the only way I know how to cope
Do you remember me?
lost in the carnival of souls
remind me of who I was
Tell me there was a time
when cold gave way to warmth
When my smile was genuine and my thoughts sincere
I cant seem to remember those days
Days when there was an embrace
the security and peace of loving arms
they can never love me
I watch as their eyes glance over me
Do they recognize a man standing before them?
Am I just a ghost?
Unseen, unheard, forgotten to time
Is it willful ignorance?
Am I so deformed that the sight of me
repulsive, sickening, a horror

what did I do to deserve such a fate?
Am I so unloved? Undesirable?
Whats it going to take?
I don't understand why not me?
then I remember the knife, the blood
Does it drive people away?
Despite my masks my guise is faltering
the weight of this curse unbearable
Forever alone, forever cold, forever wanting
The duality is astounding
A heart so warm can be so cold
A soul so caring can be so indifferent
Free and imprisoned, alive yet dead
Willing and yet shunned

Remember me my love when I am no more
Return if only to claim your property
One last time tell me the tales of old
Remove your knife and set me free
Its all I ask, one kind favor
please my precious, my everything and my all
allow this blood to flow
My parting gift to you, my life force
I leave you these departing words
as the world around me fades to black
I shed a tear for all that's lost
In that space between a blink and a tear I go
The soul free from this bodily prison
Shall I go to heaven?
Will the angels receive me?
Or is hell my eternal destination?
Perhaps I should hope for oblivion
To erase your memory, your stain upon my soul

You have become my perfect sin
A goddess, my glorious, intoxicating idol
I forsake all for you
I'd go wherever you ask me to
Endure whatever task you set before me
You are my lone addiction
Please do not leave my love unrequited
Has my giving not been fervent enough?
My life blood not sufficient
tell me what more my sweet

Silence, there is nothing here
My goddess a figment of imagination
The sweet aromas, the warm embrace
the taste of her lips
the smooth skin and curves of her body
The knife, killing my fantasy
The illusion of you my love
you aren't real, the reality, the knife
Follow the trail to my broken heart
I cant make you, any of you
the love that I long for, the poison
of my own design, taken of my will
I can hear the laughter of both maker and destroyer
the moon and stars hide their faces
The shame of it all

You who I adore, unknown beauty
One day we shall be together
No matter how many lifetimes pass
May my cries echo into eternity
I will find you my love
See past the ghastly visage
May your hands reach inside
Melt away the cold recesses of my heart
Allow me to look upon you
So that I may remember
Remember my humanity, my smile
genuine, sincere, fearless and hopeful
Could you love me that much?
Even now when I have made it difficult?
Are you out there?
Do you think of me how I think of you?
For in you I find the keys to happiness
the solution to the riddle of life
I find my completion in your embrace
Im still here my love
Waiting, alone, cold and wanting.






Thursday, August 29, 2013

On the Outside, Hating within

The older I get the lonelier I feel. I feel a weight, a burden that I wish I didnt have to bear. I never quite fit in. I never quite matter enough. Im closed off. I do not know how to be. Who do I have to be to matter? What must I be for people to care? How do I change? Yes change. Can a man change his stars? Can leopard change his spots? The Tiger his stripes? All signs point to no. Next question. what is wrong with me? What is it that makes me so undesirable? What is it that makes me feel so? No answer, silence. This burden, these questions. I try, I do. I attempt socializing but there is a disconnect. One glance and others already have no interest. They dont see me. They see past me, they see through me. Im not even there. They wonder why I am the way I am. The cycle continues. If Im alone, if I am treated like I dont matter then how can I feel anything else? How can I be when nobody can see me. Do I merely exist only to myself? Why is there this disconnect with people? Why am I the odd ball out? Im outside and cant get in. Im not allowed in. I have been judged, labeled and the verdict is not to my liking. I try I do, sincerely, with no ill intent. Yet Im alone. Lied to, left behind. Truth is I dont want to feel this. I hate this. I want to feel anything but this. I embraced the lonliness so long ago, made it my friend. I've dwelled in the barron desert of alienization. So long ago during the most important years of my young life, I became this. I mean well I do. I try to be open but it doesnt come easy. Can I change how the world around perceives me. Maybe its time to move on. To leave this desert and find my oasis. To find a place where nobody knows me. Where I can start fresh. Perhaps its time. Time to kick the door in. To no longer be relegated as the outsider, the one who doesnt belong. Perhaps, I will find peace elsewhere. I can leave this here, in this place. This failure, this pain can sit here and I can move away. Maybe. Maybe its just a part of who I am. If all the world is a stage and we merely the players then maybe this is my role no matter where I go. Maybe I am cursed. The Possibilities seem endless but there are no concrete answers to my questions. So I think some more. Thoughts racing at the speed of light. A part of me says I dont care anymore but that is the greatest lie I can tell myself. The truth is I care way too much about this. The older I get, the heavier the burden. Its mine alone, and not by choice. Where can I go with it? The searching seems endless. Theres no easy way to plead my case. It is just perceived in the wrong way no matter what. They say I am not right and depressed but one doesnt merely wake up and say this is what I'll be. One isnt born believing he is not right, believing that something is wrong with him. No, no, that comes from outside. That comes from those around him. All of what I feel, is a byproduct of my up bringing, by surroundings. The people who destroyed me to build themselves up. Its those that I cant forgive. Its those that I hate. Just like that, there it is. Hate. I have hate in my heart. From this hate breeds everything else. Hate leads to being closed off, leading to lonliness, leading to depression. Hate for those who hurt me. Hate that there is no closure. Hate that until this very day people see fit to use me for their own ends. Hate that they left me alone. Hate that they labeled me. HATE HATE HATE! Most of all HATE that I feel this way because I deserve better then this. I want to be free. So this is my prayer because there is no soul here who can help me. If it reaches the ears of God, I dont want this anymore. I dont need this in my life blurring the way I see things. I need help. I need to let go. I need for it to no longer matter. If the hate can go, soon, I may have a chance of no longer being on the outside looking in.

Friday, August 16, 2013

And now I know

Where to begin? I guess this morning I feel kind of blah. Now it being way earlier then I'm use to being awake may well be part of this equation but its not completely the reason. Sometimes you get hit with truths about yourself that you ignore. There are flaws about you that you would much rather keep hidden in the dark then ever have a light exposed upon them. There is that terrible feeling when you realize you've been unable to keep them in the dark. So it goes. I understand how the world views me, how people around me view me. I suppose I only have myself to blame. I wish I wasn't me. I wish so hard that I could be reformatted into someone amazing, someone deserving of all the things great in life. I cant be rebuilt, I'm not a robot, much to my chagrin. Where did it all go wrong? When did I become so unwanted? So undesirable? I honestly don't know anymore. Memories are just blending together. Moments in my life being erased, burned from my mind. I am here, but I'm not. Sometimes the lights are on but nobody is at home. I feel as though the things I want to change I cannot. I am programmed, wired, to be this way. To feel this stupid feelings and to be condemned by them. I didn't ask for this. I never wanted this life for myself. I never wanted to have the experiences I have had. Yet they are all mine. Etched into the very fabric and makeup of Rich Fulcinelli. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I see that I have never been as good as my illusionary mind would have me believe. I have lived in a land of make believe. Who is the real me? There are those around me who would label me miserable, a bum, ugly, not fun. Criticisms I have heard my whole life. Then comes the weight of trying to prove these notions wrong. Each time failing to do so, each time only proving them all right. Why couldn't I have it all like so many others? Why couldn't I have it all handed to me like those around me? They have no idea this battle, this struggle. They live in their blissful ignorance and have no idea what I have seen, what I have known. As if monsters are just born and not created. My life as a whole was probably destined for failure from the start. Broken home, alienation, locked inside your own mind trying at a young age to understand why. There has always been the question of why. I have come to conclusions as to why. That people are innately vile, always looking to cannibalize each other. I would take physical beatings over the mental anguish I have felt in my time here. I would trade every emotional and mental scar for the lash of a whip or a punch to the face. Not to say there hasn't been plenty of that. I have tried to not let this overtake me. Its been a long time since I have sat down and examined things to the point of tears. How does anyone understand me? Can they? No. The answer is always no. So I hide behind this fa├žade. I smile half heartedly and laugh only to give off some semblance of being "normal." However as I get older cracks are beginning to form in my costume. I grow tired of having to play the same role over and over again. My disguise is faltering. For so long I have been afraid to express anything. Why bother? People will only pity you at best and at worst tell you its all your fault. It might be. While never controlling things around me I do control how I deal with them. Thinking about it now maybe I am more of a robot then a man. I try to be whatever it is that I am needed to be bouncing from moment to moment. All the while swallowing my own feelings. Why? To belong, to fit in, to be loved. Yet I have found neither. Its so hard to write this stuff but it needs to get out. I suffer it daily and the demon has just grown to great to be ignored. Its lonely here. So very lonely. I see light but feel no warmth. Am I depressed because I feel this, or do I feel this because I am depressed? I don't know anymore. Am I miserable because I want to be or is this the result of years of shit? Is this the result of abuses I have not let go? Would it be so hard for a genuine kind word sent in my direction? Anything to make me feel human. I don't want pity, I don't want people feeling bad for me. I want to be accepted for who I am. Who I am? Who am I? Doesn't matter anymore. Im nothing more then what they made of me. I am their creation, their abomination. I'll be judged for this post. They will say, "look at this, same old misery," while lacking any understanding. I am not miserable because I choose to be. I am miserable because its the only choice that was left to me. Its what you all expect. Its the role I am to play for you all. Dance you marionette. We helped create you and now we watch as you destroy yourself. 30 year I have walked this earth. 30 long and hard years full of everything from happy tender moments to dread and torture. Its life right? Its what you make of it, right? Well I didn't ask for it. Yet here I sit, typing away. Does it help? Maybe. I use to think I gave voice to those like me but who really reads this crap anyway. Nobody cares about the outpouring of my heart. So I'll attempt to sleep because its where I'm safest from the world. If only I could sleep these days. I know I do eventually, but upon waking most days feels like I hardly slept at all. I toss and turn, cant get comfortable. Why? Maybe its a physical manifestation of how I cant get comfortable in life, in my own skin. My body...I loathe this body. I loathe the laughingstock I am in this body. God I hate it. Im not even going to get into that mess of a conversation. Lets just say I believe that God has a sense of humor. I hear all the names now...I dare not repeat them. So ultimately you'll read this and say what a loser, what a miserable fuck. Its your right. I don't expect you to think anything otherwise. However, I'd challenge you to think outside of your perfect little worlds. I'd challenge you to realize that there are plenty just like me who hurt and who have suffered evils. There are people in this world who have suffered way worse then I can even imagine. Why don't you take a walk in their shoes. I dare you. You think you can handle things differently then be my guest. I will gladly trade with you. I'd love to see it but since you cant just be mindful. Im not some freak, Im not any different from you. I feel, I think, I bleed and I crave the same things everyone else in life does. I'd like to be hopeful people would understand, but the world around me has shown its true colors far too many times.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Wide awake

So it is 4:38am. I am awake and not really feeling all that great. I am really questioning why I am here? Why I even bother? Why I associate with anyone? Why waste my time, breathe, resources, care, concern? I have always since I was a kid believed I don't belong here. I have never really fit in anywhere. I tend to march to the beat of my own drum which isn't bad but it doesn't exactly win me favor either. The only time I ever seemingly matter is when someone else has a damn problem and come crying to me for advice, help, etc. I freely give it, there was a time I even enjoyed it, helping someone else. Now its really just tedious. I do it because I realize its my role to play but I certainly don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy being noticed when someone else has a problem they are to weak, stupid, helpless to figure out for themselves. Especially when their "problems" are so ridiculous. Now keep in mind I am not referring to my friends, because they I willingly give my time to when there is a need. Im talking about others. Others who I am "friends" with in accordance with their need of me. Call me up crying out of the blue after ignoring me for months and expect me to be the bigger man and hear them out. You prey upon my desire to help. You expect me to set aside what I am doing and play the role so many others in your life fail to play. Then toss me aside. I really am not your whore, or your punching bag, and I certainly am not paid to be your damn shrink. Don't come at me with your smile while deceit rots your gums. Don't look at me with those eyes that plead for compassion but fueled by selfishness. Where the hell is my reward? When is it my turn to receive something for all this nonsense I deal with? Worst of all is the backhanded insults I then suffer from these people. Do a good deed and be met with an insult? I never signed up for that. I don't know anymore. Its not worth it. I wrestle with this thought constantly. Its not worth being the better man. Its not worth being a good guy. While all these jackasses are reaping the rewards for their evil and disgusting deeds I sit alone, all fucking alone, being insulted, being alienated, being labeled. I sit alone while you judge me. You say freak, you say loser, you say nice guy BUT....there is always a fucking BUT. That's why I don't belong, I have never belonged. All this time trying to find my place in a world that doesn't want me, a world that decays, a world that I do not want either. Spare me your mockery, your illusions, your curses, your phoniness. One day you'll come crying, looking for hope and solace, one day you will cry for some type of salvation and I wont hear it. I wont care. Simply because I cant save a damn one of you nor do I desire to. You push, you suck, you take and leave nothing but the bite marks, nothing but the void. There is no reward, nothing gained for my sacrifices. So cry on. Oh what, no more laughter now? This isn't funny? You aren't amused? Well neither am I nor have I been for the longest. Take your venom elsewhere, lest I cut the head off the snake that you are. Leave me alone. Unless you intend to give back, and not simply take from me, then keep moving. I don't have time for it. I wont reach out to you, I wont waste myself on you.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Whats the point

So many questions and answers that dont really seem to measure up. I'm tired. So very very tired of this existence. I fail to see the point of going on. Why go to sleep every night only to wake to more physical pains, the pangs of being alone and the reality that when you are gone nobody is going to give a shit. I mean lets be real there arent many who care now and if they do they certainly arent going out of their way to show it. Of course thats the beauty of it all, take something for granted until its gone. However I couldnt be so proud to think of myself as someone taken for granted. I'm sitting back and while I toil away working and dealing with ailments and the like, I'm watching all those around me. All those who seemingly have everything they want. Whether its money, careers, loved ones, families and I say what the fuck. I say what makes me so unworthy of these things. People have told me you have to better yourself. I wonder exactly what that means. I am who I am. I can't change me, not this late in the game. I can change physical appearance but the inner workings, they are set in stone. I dont believe everyone is going to be a millionaire, and I dont believe I ever will be one, nor do I think I should be one. I work hard. I'm definitely looking to improve that area of my life but that doesn't explain this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. I don't put stock in making money, and material things because its all temporary. I have placed stock in being a good person, living to do what is right, having honor and honesty in all I do. As always I will say Im not perfect, and I fail but for the most part I try to live by these standards. However it seems like I've been investing in shit. Those things hold no value in this world. Its all about being a douchebag, about being rich any way possible. We live in a world where everyone believes they deserve and should be celebrities. People doing ridiculous things on "reality tv" just to get some recognition and 15 minutes of fame and its shameful. However they are rewarded. They have what I do not. They are revered while I am invisible. When I was young I use to think invisibility would be really cool. Oh the pranks you could pull, the items you could take and the things you could get away with. I for the most part have been invisible. I go around like a ghost and when people notice me its mostly because they have a need. However once needs are met or problems solved I am no longer visible. Now you may say this is melodramatic, all in my head but as far as I am concerned after 29 years of being alive this is my truth. This is my reality. If you haven't walked a mile in my shoes I dont expect you to understand. Trust me on this one, I have no reason to lie about what I feel no matter how fleeting they are. So where does that leave me? Well if anyone could see me, it has to be God right? Right? Faith is failing me. I do believe God is there. However I am starting to question whether He has any plans for me other then personal entertainment. Yes some of you at this point will point to Job, and his trial and while thats cool, I dont care to be Job. I have all but stopped praying these days. My faith is shattered. I know its selfish, however I just dont see what the point is when nothing but misfortune follows. I'm in pain, and there is no remedy for it. I think of that Metallica song, the god that failed. I think of the lyric, "Broken is the promise, betrayal/ the healing hand held back by the deepend nail" Sends chills down my spine really because while I dont believe it I can sympathize with the writer of said lyrics. In a world where being wicked is the right thing to do why wouldnt one feel this way? In a world where people are left to suffer why wouldnt people believe this? Then there is the thing that hurts me the most. The fear I dread more then clowns, cancer and death. Being alone. Its nothing new for me to admit that when I am alone it is when I am at my most creative and insanely so, and also my most vulnerable. It is in this time that I reflect, think, dwell, stew, and my inner most hopes and fears, peace and despair and a wide range of emotions pour forth from me. As in the time of this writing. Without sounding crazy which anyone who has read this blog clearly knows I more then likely am, my demons are at there most mischievous. Its in these moments everything is exemplified. The pains hurt that much more, the feelings of inadequacy sting like a cat of nine tails. Its a feeding frenzy and Im the chum in the water. Yet it all comes back to this one point, you are alone and nobody gives a shit. Nobody will look past your obvious blemishes, your flaws, nobody cares what kind of heart you have. Nobody cares how well you can treat them. Nobody cares about your feelings. Nobody cares about the things you hold dear. NOBODY WILL MISS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GONE! Its not for lack of trying. I have reached out to people and put myself out there more then ever before. It reminds me of why I never do in the first place. My value as someone to confide in or as mere entertainment for the bored are irrefutable. However when will I find the someone who just loves me. Its a broken record I know. However I want to know what that is before I die. I want to know what its like to have someone love me not because of material things, not because of what I can do for them. Jut because they see me and care about what they see. They see a man, with strengths and weaknesses, but still love what they see. They see a man who will never be Brad Pitt, who will never be an Adonis, but love him all the same. Its asking too much especially now. In a world where the wrong things are celebrated love has suffered the most. I often wonder if anyone really knows what love is anymore. I question if I really know what it is anymore. Times running out and I am just readying myself for its eventual end. Whether that will be a sweet release from this peril or a nightmarish awakening is yet to be seen. The weather is terrible and all I want to do is go for a walk. My foot is killing me and with the rain my knee isnt any better. Signs of decay are everywhere. Lately I simply cannot find any joy. I know why. I want and don't have with the realization I may never have. Thats why there is no joy. Hope is but a terrible illusion no more real than the boogeyman. I guess Im readying the white flag because Im tired of soldiering on through this. Im tired of doing this alone. I'm mad at myself and mad at the world around me. Yet I know me, I won't throw in the towel. I'll keep going, forging through the darkness. Hope while seemingly an illusion is far better then the reality. Its at this moment like a sun that never warms. However having that image and the hope that one day I will feel its warm embrace, keeps me going. So many questions...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Burning

The world is on fire Everything susceptile to the raging inferno we've done it to ourselves I feel no remorse for anyone I feel many things However remorse and sympathy have burned up Relationships and friendships, ashes In the kiln of this flame I stand Among the floating ashes Among the charred flesh and bones Contempt all I feel The monster inside Your monster The one you created I have fought diligently To keep the beast at bay Yet you wouldnt allow it to be With your false pity Your judging eyes remorseless, to my plight Then the audacity to come for help Only to disappear once you have what you want I set this fire, refining Then like the phoenix I will rise Even if it means stepping upon your remains Then you'll cry, petition, plead You'll wish I wasnt soaring so high I won't hear you anymore Then you will wish...