Thursday, August 29, 2013

On the Outside, Hating within

The older I get the lonelier I feel. I feel a weight, a burden that I wish I didnt have to bear. I never quite fit in. I never quite matter enough. Im closed off. I do not know how to be. Who do I have to be to matter? What must I be for people to care? How do I change? Yes change. Can a man change his stars? Can leopard change his spots? The Tiger his stripes? All signs point to no. Next question. what is wrong with me? What is it that makes me so undesirable? What is it that makes me feel so? No answer, silence. This burden, these questions. I try, I do. I attempt socializing but there is a disconnect. One glance and others already have no interest. They dont see me. They see past me, they see through me. Im not even there. They wonder why I am the way I am. The cycle continues. If Im alone, if I am treated like I dont matter then how can I feel anything else? How can I be when nobody can see me. Do I merely exist only to myself? Why is there this disconnect with people? Why am I the odd ball out? Im outside and cant get in. Im not allowed in. I have been judged, labeled and the verdict is not to my liking. I try I do, sincerely, with no ill intent. Yet Im alone. Lied to, left behind. Truth is I dont want to feel this. I hate this. I want to feel anything but this. I embraced the lonliness so long ago, made it my friend. I've dwelled in the barron desert of alienization. So long ago during the most important years of my young life, I became this. I mean well I do. I try to be open but it doesnt come easy. Can I change how the world around perceives me. Maybe its time to move on. To leave this desert and find my oasis. To find a place where nobody knows me. Where I can start fresh. Perhaps its time. Time to kick the door in. To no longer be relegated as the outsider, the one who doesnt belong. Perhaps, I will find peace elsewhere. I can leave this here, in this place. This failure, this pain can sit here and I can move away. Maybe. Maybe its just a part of who I am. If all the world is a stage and we merely the players then maybe this is my role no matter where I go. Maybe I am cursed. The Possibilities seem endless but there are no concrete answers to my questions. So I think some more. Thoughts racing at the speed of light. A part of me says I dont care anymore but that is the greatest lie I can tell myself. The truth is I care way too much about this. The older I get, the heavier the burden. Its mine alone, and not by choice. Where can I go with it? The searching seems endless. Theres no easy way to plead my case. It is just perceived in the wrong way no matter what. They say I am not right and depressed but one doesnt merely wake up and say this is what I'll be. One isnt born believing he is not right, believing that something is wrong with him. No, no, that comes from outside. That comes from those around him. All of what I feel, is a byproduct of my up bringing, by surroundings. The people who destroyed me to build themselves up. Its those that I cant forgive. Its those that I hate. Just like that, there it is. Hate. I have hate in my heart. From this hate breeds everything else. Hate leads to being closed off, leading to lonliness, leading to depression. Hate for those who hurt me. Hate that there is no closure. Hate that until this very day people see fit to use me for their own ends. Hate that they left me alone. Hate that they labeled me. HATE HATE HATE! Most of all HATE that I feel this way because I deserve better then this. I want to be free. So this is my prayer because there is no soul here who can help me. If it reaches the ears of God, I dont want this anymore. I dont need this in my life blurring the way I see things. I need help. I need to let go. I need for it to no longer matter. If the hate can go, soon, I may have a chance of no longer being on the outside looking in.

Friday, August 16, 2013

And now I know

Where to begin? I guess this morning I feel kind of blah. Now it being way earlier then I'm use to being awake may well be part of this equation but its not completely the reason. Sometimes you get hit with truths about yourself that you ignore. There are flaws about you that you would much rather keep hidden in the dark then ever have a light exposed upon them. There is that terrible feeling when you realize you've been unable to keep them in the dark. So it goes. I understand how the world views me, how people around me view me. I suppose I only have myself to blame. I wish I wasn't me. I wish so hard that I could be reformatted into someone amazing, someone deserving of all the things great in life. I cant be rebuilt, I'm not a robot, much to my chagrin. Where did it all go wrong? When did I become so unwanted? So undesirable? I honestly don't know anymore. Memories are just blending together. Moments in my life being erased, burned from my mind. I am here, but I'm not. Sometimes the lights are on but nobody is at home. I feel as though the things I want to change I cannot. I am programmed, wired, to be this way. To feel this stupid feelings and to be condemned by them. I didn't ask for this. I never wanted this life for myself. I never wanted to have the experiences I have had. Yet they are all mine. Etched into the very fabric and makeup of Rich Fulcinelli. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I see that I have never been as good as my illusionary mind would have me believe. I have lived in a land of make believe. Who is the real me? There are those around me who would label me miserable, a bum, ugly, not fun. Criticisms I have heard my whole life. Then comes the weight of trying to prove these notions wrong. Each time failing to do so, each time only proving them all right. Why couldn't I have it all like so many others? Why couldn't I have it all handed to me like those around me? They have no idea this battle, this struggle. They live in their blissful ignorance and have no idea what I have seen, what I have known. As if monsters are just born and not created. My life as a whole was probably destined for failure from the start. Broken home, alienation, locked inside your own mind trying at a young age to understand why. There has always been the question of why. I have come to conclusions as to why. That people are innately vile, always looking to cannibalize each other. I would take physical beatings over the mental anguish I have felt in my time here. I would trade every emotional and mental scar for the lash of a whip or a punch to the face. Not to say there hasn't been plenty of that. I have tried to not let this overtake me. Its been a long time since I have sat down and examined things to the point of tears. How does anyone understand me? Can they? No. The answer is always no. So I hide behind this fa├žade. I smile half heartedly and laugh only to give off some semblance of being "normal." However as I get older cracks are beginning to form in my costume. I grow tired of having to play the same role over and over again. My disguise is faltering. For so long I have been afraid to express anything. Why bother? People will only pity you at best and at worst tell you its all your fault. It might be. While never controlling things around me I do control how I deal with them. Thinking about it now maybe I am more of a robot then a man. I try to be whatever it is that I am needed to be bouncing from moment to moment. All the while swallowing my own feelings. Why? To belong, to fit in, to be loved. Yet I have found neither. Its so hard to write this stuff but it needs to get out. I suffer it daily and the demon has just grown to great to be ignored. Its lonely here. So very lonely. I see light but feel no warmth. Am I depressed because I feel this, or do I feel this because I am depressed? I don't know anymore. Am I miserable because I want to be or is this the result of years of shit? Is this the result of abuses I have not let go? Would it be so hard for a genuine kind word sent in my direction? Anything to make me feel human. I don't want pity, I don't want people feeling bad for me. I want to be accepted for who I am. Who I am? Who am I? Doesn't matter anymore. Im nothing more then what they made of me. I am their creation, their abomination. I'll be judged for this post. They will say, "look at this, same old misery," while lacking any understanding. I am not miserable because I choose to be. I am miserable because its the only choice that was left to me. Its what you all expect. Its the role I am to play for you all. Dance you marionette. We helped create you and now we watch as you destroy yourself. 30 year I have walked this earth. 30 long and hard years full of everything from happy tender moments to dread and torture. Its life right? Its what you make of it, right? Well I didn't ask for it. Yet here I sit, typing away. Does it help? Maybe. I use to think I gave voice to those like me but who really reads this crap anyway. Nobody cares about the outpouring of my heart. So I'll attempt to sleep because its where I'm safest from the world. If only I could sleep these days. I know I do eventually, but upon waking most days feels like I hardly slept at all. I toss and turn, cant get comfortable. Why? Maybe its a physical manifestation of how I cant get comfortable in life, in my own skin. My body...I loathe this body. I loathe the laughingstock I am in this body. God I hate it. Im not even going to get into that mess of a conversation. Lets just say I believe that God has a sense of humor. I hear all the names now...I dare not repeat them. So ultimately you'll read this and say what a loser, what a miserable fuck. Its your right. I don't expect you to think anything otherwise. However, I'd challenge you to think outside of your perfect little worlds. I'd challenge you to realize that there are plenty just like me who hurt and who have suffered evils. There are people in this world who have suffered way worse then I can even imagine. Why don't you take a walk in their shoes. I dare you. You think you can handle things differently then be my guest. I will gladly trade with you. I'd love to see it but since you cant just be mindful. Im not some freak, Im not any different from you. I feel, I think, I bleed and I crave the same things everyone else in life does. I'd like to be hopeful people would understand, but the world around me has shown its true colors far too many times.