Monday, March 25, 2013

Whats the point

So many questions and answers that dont really seem to measure up. I'm tired. So very very tired of this existence. I fail to see the point of going on. Why go to sleep every night only to wake to more physical pains, the pangs of being alone and the reality that when you are gone nobody is going to give a shit. I mean lets be real there arent many who care now and if they do they certainly arent going out of their way to show it. Of course thats the beauty of it all, take something for granted until its gone. However I couldnt be so proud to think of myself as someone taken for granted. I'm sitting back and while I toil away working and dealing with ailments and the like, I'm watching all those around me. All those who seemingly have everything they want. Whether its money, careers, loved ones, families and I say what the fuck. I say what makes me so unworthy of these things. People have told me you have to better yourself. I wonder exactly what that means. I am who I am. I can't change me, not this late in the game. I can change physical appearance but the inner workings, they are set in stone. I dont believe everyone is going to be a millionaire, and I dont believe I ever will be one, nor do I think I should be one. I work hard. I'm definitely looking to improve that area of my life but that doesn't explain this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. I don't put stock in making money, and material things because its all temporary. I have placed stock in being a good person, living to do what is right, having honor and honesty in all I do. As always I will say Im not perfect, and I fail but for the most part I try to live by these standards. However it seems like I've been investing in shit. Those things hold no value in this world. Its all about being a douchebag, about being rich any way possible. We live in a world where everyone believes they deserve and should be celebrities. People doing ridiculous things on "reality tv" just to get some recognition and 15 minutes of fame and its shameful. However they are rewarded. They have what I do not. They are revered while I am invisible. When I was young I use to think invisibility would be really cool. Oh the pranks you could pull, the items you could take and the things you could get away with. I for the most part have been invisible. I go around like a ghost and when people notice me its mostly because they have a need. However once needs are met or problems solved I am no longer visible. Now you may say this is melodramatic, all in my head but as far as I am concerned after 29 years of being alive this is my truth. This is my reality. If you haven't walked a mile in my shoes I dont expect you to understand. Trust me on this one, I have no reason to lie about what I feel no matter how fleeting they are. So where does that leave me? Well if anyone could see me, it has to be God right? Right? Faith is failing me. I do believe God is there. However I am starting to question whether He has any plans for me other then personal entertainment. Yes some of you at this point will point to Job, and his trial and while thats cool, I dont care to be Job. I have all but stopped praying these days. My faith is shattered. I know its selfish, however I just dont see what the point is when nothing but misfortune follows. I'm in pain, and there is no remedy for it. I think of that Metallica song, the god that failed. I think of the lyric, "Broken is the promise, betrayal/ the healing hand held back by the deepend nail" Sends chills down my spine really because while I dont believe it I can sympathize with the writer of said lyrics. In a world where being wicked is the right thing to do why wouldnt one feel this way? In a world where people are left to suffer why wouldnt people believe this? Then there is the thing that hurts me the most. The fear I dread more then clowns, cancer and death. Being alone. Its nothing new for me to admit that when I am alone it is when I am at my most creative and insanely so, and also my most vulnerable. It is in this time that I reflect, think, dwell, stew, and my inner most hopes and fears, peace and despair and a wide range of emotions pour forth from me. As in the time of this writing. Without sounding crazy which anyone who has read this blog clearly knows I more then likely am, my demons are at there most mischievous. Its in these moments everything is exemplified. The pains hurt that much more, the feelings of inadequacy sting like a cat of nine tails. Its a feeding frenzy and Im the chum in the water. Yet it all comes back to this one point, you are alone and nobody gives a shit. Nobody will look past your obvious blemishes, your flaws, nobody cares what kind of heart you have. Nobody cares how well you can treat them. Nobody cares about your feelings. Nobody cares about the things you hold dear. NOBODY WILL MISS YOU WHEN YOU ARE GONE! Its not for lack of trying. I have reached out to people and put myself out there more then ever before. It reminds me of why I never do in the first place. My value as someone to confide in or as mere entertainment for the bored are irrefutable. However when will I find the someone who just loves me. Its a broken record I know. However I want to know what that is before I die. I want to know what its like to have someone love me not because of material things, not because of what I can do for them. Jut because they see me and care about what they see. They see a man, with strengths and weaknesses, but still love what they see. They see a man who will never be Brad Pitt, who will never be an Adonis, but love him all the same. Its asking too much especially now. In a world where the wrong things are celebrated love has suffered the most. I often wonder if anyone really knows what love is anymore. I question if I really know what it is anymore. Times running out and I am just readying myself for its eventual end. Whether that will be a sweet release from this peril or a nightmarish awakening is yet to be seen. The weather is terrible and all I want to do is go for a walk. My foot is killing me and with the rain my knee isnt any better. Signs of decay are everywhere. Lately I simply cannot find any joy. I know why. I want and don't have with the realization I may never have. Thats why there is no joy. Hope is but a terrible illusion no more real than the boogeyman. I guess Im readying the white flag because Im tired of soldiering on through this. Im tired of doing this alone. I'm mad at myself and mad at the world around me. Yet I know me, I won't throw in the towel. I'll keep going, forging through the darkness. Hope while seemingly an illusion is far better then the reality. Its at this moment like a sun that never warms. However having that image and the hope that one day I will feel its warm embrace, keeps me going. So many questions...

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