Saturday, November 10, 2012
So Im awake after a nap. My dreams taunt me with a reality that is unattainable. People have accused me of being guarded and distant. There are probably reasons for that. I am not one who is easily able to express how I feel verbally. The words get mumbled and it doesnt come out quite the way I would like it. Secondly, I have never really had a forum I have felt comfortable to express myself in for quite some time now. However in the interest of fairness to an audience of whomever I will be completely honest in this very blog. Honest about the one thing I want more in life than riches, or popularity, or even all the transformers in the world, I want to be loved. I dont care anymore if that sounds gay or too sensitive, that truly is all I want out of this world. I want memories with someone I love who in return loves me. Loves me not for the person they want me to be, or because they pity me, or because they feel obligated to, just because they see me for me and want me around the rest of their life. When I was a kid, my parents divorced when I was really young. As a kid I couldnt understand what was going on. How did they fall out of love? Why did they even get married if this was the end result? Did they love eachother once? Ever? Did it just vanish? These questions plagued me at a young age as I struggled to cope with it. It shook me until this day. Commitment doesnt come easy for me nor does trust. I have few friends in life because I lack the ability to trust and manage so many of them. Among those friends are female friends. Im about to reveal a problem I have in relationships. One that most will argue isnt a problem and yet in my experience is a huge problem. When it comes to liking a girl, someone I want to be with as more then friends, I always look to the ones I have as friends. Reason being because I know the person well, because I have learned to trust this person. They are beautiful, Im not going to lie and say attraction isnt important but beyond the physical I can say I love the person they are. I love the times we share together. I eventually grow to love them. Therein lies the problem. You see I have never been the kind of guy to walk into a bar find a girl I dont know and just start making out with her. I cant do it. I know Im weird and Im ok with that but this is shining a light on me and not easy for me to write. My biggest strength and my biggest weakness has always been myself, my code. Back on point though, this method of meeting and trying to court women is a brick wall as you drive 100MPH. Yet its the only way I can ever get to a point of wanting someone. The only way I can desire to be with someone is if I can trust them, it isnt just physical. I cant even fathom sex or anything like that with someone I dont have some kind of connection to. I know again weird but again its me so deal. So now the worst part of it all. What do you do when you fall in love with a girl who is a friend? Well, I have managed to have this happen. I was lucky enough that the stars alined and this happened. Both times I was left with my heart broken. Im not going to sit here and say that it was all their fault, as I am not a perfect being but I think I did the best I could to love them, unconditionally. However, when my trust is broken and destroyed I get cold. I become disinterested and I eventually shut down. It doesnt mean I dont love this person, I never stopped but for me the breaking of my heart, trust, is an offense that I cannot tolerate. I tried, believe me I have and it simply doesnt work in the end. I become paranoid around the person, always waiting for the next blow to come from somewhere. Its terrible but this is how I am. You see when I get to the point where I can look you in the eye and say I love you I am all in. You get 100% of me. My time, my energy, my care and concern, my thoughts, my resources, nothing is off limits. Its how I love. I vowed to myself after my parents divorced that it will not be me. That in any relationship I will try my best to make it work. Even if its all falling apart I will fight for the person I love, even if the ship is going down. Funny thing is the only way I know how to get to that point of saying I love you is by being a friend to someone. This goes against the way a lot of people date. The ideal way is you meet someone who you dont know well and go on a few dates and learn about the person as you go and if you like them great if not then you end it. I feel like that takes too much effort and time. Also because of the way I am I just dont meet girls in terms of I want to bang this girl. Yes I can look at a girl and say she is hot or beautiful but in my mind and heart that does not mean I want to be with them. If I dont want to be with them then I have no business doing anything sexual even kissing with this person. This is how I am. Please understand Im not sying my way is right, Im just being open about my plight here. So you can imagine being this way more often then not leaves me alone. More often then not leaves me harboring feelings for someone who wll never feel the same way back. This is the real problem, where being me blows up in my face. There is a girl who for all intensive purposes is one of my best friends. She is a 10 in my book. Beautiful and smart and I gotta say pretty damn funny to. To my dismay lately I find that there is nowhere else I want to be but where she is. I want to see her smile and here her voice. My heart tends to skip a beat whenever my phone rings and I see its her. (Authors note:please dont hate me for writing this should you read it.) In my perfect world, the world in which my dreams lately have taken me to I would be with her because I know in my heart that I love this girl more then she could ever know. Always have in a way, slowly ofcourse but in retrospect this person has always held a special place in my heart all her own. However, she does not feel the same way. Now I know what you are saying, quit being a loser and cut your loses and you are right. However remember that thing earlier about loving 100% well...she hasnt given me any reason to not love her or care about her. I hope she never does because I value our friendship above a lot of others. Yet because of how I am, because of who I am I cant let it go. I want to let it go. I do. For the sake of our friendship I do. Yet when you know what you want you cant just let it go. Another problem, because items you want you can always hold out and get but love not so much. Its not like you can make a wish, or buy the love of someone like a prepaid phone. So Im stuck in this rut. I have laid there next to her, STRICTLY PLUTONIC, and thought I could live happy having her be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see before I go to sleep. Believe me when I tell you, this is really hard to write about for fear of repercussions. Also believe me when I tell you I know this will never go away completely. There are ways for me to bury it sure, hide it away. Yet I believe in my heart she will always hold a very special place. I want her to be happy though, and if that isnt with me I can deal with it, I have before and I will again. I know she will make a great wife to somebody and be a great mom one day. I really do wish her the best even though selfishly I wish it were with me. So now you see my plight. Why love is so hard for me to come by. Simply because Im already screwed up and Im not afraid to say it. A friend of mine once told me you cant help who you fall in love with. I use to dispute this and now I see the picture more clearly. I do believe you can prevent yourself from falling for someone through just avoiding them but once you are hooked its over. There is no escaping the intoxicating aromas. Like I said before, its all I want. I want to fall in love, with one girl, for the rest of my life. I want to experience the ups and downs, the trials and tribulations and pure joy and ecstasy of being with the one I love. I believe it will happen. One day but I often worry about time. Im getting older and I really fear that it wont happen. That I'll die alone. I just have to keep living in love. To my family, friends and eventually my love. I believe she is out there somewhere. I may know her already, seeing as how I do things but life is unpredictable and love even more so. One day Im going to write a blog about her, celebrating her, until then, if you have someone and you love them, let them know you do not in words but in actions. It truly is the greatest gift we can have on earth, the heart of another human being.