Saturday, May 12, 2012
So, Im sitting here awake, its almost 5AM. Another sleepless night alone. I have always found it extremely unfair that the one area that has been lacking in my life is the love of a significant other. It is seemingly something very hard to come by. There are many factors to this. I for one am a picky guy, but I just know what I like. This goes for what I like physically and personally about a person. I have never been nor will I ever be in it just to score a piece of ass. I want a connection, both physically and emotionally and just a whole package. So yes I am picky because I dont feel like I should just settle for what is there. Secondly, I know that according to the world and what is considered "hot" I am lacking in that department. No, I dont think Im ugly, far from it. I think I am a handsome guy however I know we are all judged upon what society deems attractive. I mean back renaissance all these skinny women walking around would be considered ugly right? So I will never be a Brad Pitt, or some guido jerk with sixpack abs. So what? Yet thats the reality of things. Third and probably the most terrible part of it all is my severe ack of "game" as they call it. I just dont have game. I can hold a conversation sure, may even be funny but somewhere along the way I just lose it. It stinks. Why am I writing this? I was in a relationship and was hurt. Sure that happened. However after a year of being single of being single and everyone around me in relationships Im getting the itch again. I miss the butterflies. I miss the having someone care about you. I miss waking up and looking forward to hearing the voice of the one you love. Yet the only voices I hear these days aside from my friends and family are the voices in my head. The ones that keep me up at night. Im getting older, almost 30. It be nice for things to start coming together. Yet we are created to want to love someone. Its woven into our DNA. Im sure I could be out there "scoring" with women if I wanted to. Its just never something that I wanted. I want love. Ugh I want to slap myself for typing this whole thing. Yet there it is, behind this rough extrerior is a teddy bear. Before I die I would like to get married and have kids of my own. Thats another thing I have been thinking about. I want to have a child, preferably a son but ya know its out of my hands. There was a time when I kind of sneered at the idea but now its creeping up on me. I see kids with their parents and I want that. What the hell is happening to me? I am a moosh. Laying here in my mooshiness, alone. When I was younger I would say I'll never love anyone because it makes you weak and vulnerable. Yet, I find that love can do those things and so much more. You must make yourself a little bit vulnerable in order to love. I have spent a year building walls around my heart and mocking those around me who are in love. I have had my cannons raised against any and all notions o relationships. I am waging a war I cannot win. I am lowering the cannons, the gates are slowly opening. Im ready to hopefully one day end my sleepless nights alone.