New VLOG

Hello again to the 3 people who may ever read this. I have decided I really want to learn how to make videos. So I am toying around with my windows live movie maker. So I have a new vlog. I tried some new things. It turned out ok but Im far from great at it lol. Hope you all enjoy.

Surprise

Yea so out of sheer boredom awhile ago I made a video of me ranting about bullying lol. So for your viewing (dis)pleasure here it is. Let me know what you think.

And so it goes...

I often wonder why things in my life always seem to find a way to go to shit. Oh if your wondering this isn't going to be an articulate or poetic entry. this is going to be real and raw. I fucked up people. I fucked up and have absolutely no help system at all. Yes thats right to all the people who seemingly have it all together, do you know why? Its because you have the support of those and the help of those who can do for you. I have none of those things. I have no support system, nobody to turn to in case I needed help. Nope not me, I'm left to figure this shit out on my own. Guess what, I have no answer for it. Zero, nada, I'm done for.

So I am all but homeless, well within an month or two. I have nowhere to go. No money to really do much. It sucks, it really fucking sucks. I been at this job for three and a half years and only get afew days here and there. I apply for other jobs to help out and get nothing. I am soooo fed up with this shit. I didnt expect life to be easy but I also didnt expect it to be this hard. Where everything I seem to try or do ends in failure. Its no wonder why people look at me and dont want any part of me because I'm a failure. I always have been and always will be. A leopard cant change his spots right? All those assholes who tortured me as a child were right, I'm nothing. I hate it.

Now ofcourse I won't give up. I'm hoping for a miracle but I'm starting to believe those stopped at the end of the New Testament. For those who don't know, thats a LOOOOONG time ago. I pray and I cry and petition but it all seems like nothing is making it to Gods ears. I don't doubt He is in control but I wish I had a bit of knowledge as to what the plan is. Instead I'll just not sleep, eat poorly and slowly go the way of the sabertooth tiger, EXTINCT!

Ugh

Its Sunday, a rainy Sunday. My knees bother me when it rains and my body just feels blah. I'm bored so my mind takes me on a journey. Or it should but it seems even my mind has failed me today. I'm just staring at my walls. Crazy people do this. I feel like the light is on but nobody is home. Maybe I'm just hungry? Probably am, yet I can't seen to move today. There just isn't a reason to I suppose. Maybe that's a blessing, yet I can't sit still. I'm restless today or insane. I stare at my phone but nobody is calling. I'd try to reach out but nobody is answering anyway. Its the day of rest, maybe even celebrate the world not ending.

Yes, a comment on this briefly. There are two things that bother me about this whole end of the world nonsense. Let me state off the bat, I am a Christian. I believe what the bible says and if it says this world will end I believe it. I also believe the world will end because everything existing in the realm of time has a beginning and an ending. Your favorite shows begin and end. The baseball game has a beginning and ending. Our very lives have a beginning and ending. So why not the world? It makes sense to me unless you believe the world is a deity. It is not and when the time comes I believe we as humans will have a lot to do with its destruction.

Secondly, I am ashamed to be lumped in with "crazy Christians." I don't mind being persecuted for my beliefs. For how I will put my faith in something other than man. However I hate that I will get lumped in with these fear mongers and false prophets which the bible warns about. Speaking of which the bible says no man knows the day or the hour and lo and behold the bible was right, Camping, wrong again. I understand that I may never agree with the world I live in. I don't support all of the causes the world does. I may never see eye to eye with people however I am still human. I also am not uneducated or foolish to place my faith outside human beings.

I cannot deny that religions have waged wars and been responsible for countless deaths. You can't simply assume that out is only religion the breaks the "peace." Within our nature lies destructive forces and if we weren't fighting over religious differences it would be about something else. Be it greed, political allegiance, or simply having what another country wants or vice versa.

What bothers me most of all are the religious leaders. They are given this position of influence and instead of using it to help others and preach a message of love they use it to spread lies and widespread panic. They use it to manipulate the masses in order to stroke their own ego or line their own pockets. Its sickening and I can assure they will be judged harshly for their crimes, if not in this life then the next.

What I am trying to say is I am a christian and I am human. I am not better than anyone else on this planet. I fall short, I fail, I hurt and have hurt others. While I may not agree with this world and the people in it I also can understand where they are coming from when our leaders in the faith are doing what they are doing. I preach Christ crucified and resurrected. That will rub people the wrong way thats fine. You don't have to listen anymore than I have to listen to the dogma of the world. Isn't our differences though what makes this world great anyway? Until the time comes people understand that I as a christian did not believe the world was ending this weekend. Will it? Eventually. However there is more to preach and do instead of dwelling on the end. Remember despite our differences we are all frail humans who fall short.

The secret

On the way to grey
i could hardly wait
to see you again
to feel your hands

covering me
til the storm is done
what seemed to be the end
was not the end at all

when i hear the rain
should i be afraid
for my, for my
for my... life

why do you look at me that way?
i told you
that i was too busy to see you
i would never
keep a secret from you
from you
from you

is it over?
i am fine
thank you dearly
for your time

i'll be leaving
don't you cry
i'll be back soon
at least i'll try

can't you see
there is no time to think
selfishly

yesterday's gone
tomorrow's here
can't turn back now
i won't quit

i still love you
i swear
i always will

"The Secret"
Emery

Missing

I miss your smile
I miss your laugh
I miss your hand in mine
I miss looking into your eyes
I miss the late nights
i miss the even later mornings
I miss our nights out
I miss our nights in
I miss how perfect you fit in my arms
i miss your sense of humor
How you alone knew how to make me laugh
i miss your warm embrace
i miss looking forward to seeing you
i miss your phone calls
i miss our conversations
I miss your cooking
i miss having you as my own
i miss my happiness
i miss my dream come true
i miss loving you
i miss you.

:* (

To everything there is a season

I came home from work. Tired, exhausted, I hardly sleep at night anymore. Over the last few months there have been shifts in my life. Everything has been shaken. Everything I believed, everything I hoped for dashed upon the rocks. I can't say that I didn't see it coming. However I hoped it would never come. The end of all things is inevitable. Thats right love will end just as sure as life will end. Everything in the boundaries of time are a series of beginnings and endings. Even when we die our souls will carry on. What eternity must be like? Its frightening. To be somewhere that has no end in sight. Sometimes endings are good. When you are sick you eagerly await its ending. However in eternity there is no end. What happens if you are on the wrong side of it? I shutter to think.

I think about my life and how lonely and abandoned it is. I have walked this journey alone for most of my life. People were never there for me. There simply wasn't anyone outside of my immediate family who ever cared enough. You face these realities and you learn to cope. This is why the few relations I have are so precious to me. Its always been so hard to open up to people. Always so hard for people to understand me. Which makes it devastating when I lose a friend or loved one. I know what you are thinking, this is all in my head. However I have too much experience with being mocked, beat up and stared at for it to be a figment of my imagination.

I feel alienated quite a bit. Loneliness is terrible. Its like being lost in a desert sand storm or in space. Just you and your thoughts. This is when the vilest part of my nature rears its ugly head. My mind has been shaped by both light and darkness. However as a child, in my adolescence is when most of the darkness seeped in. It took a little boy and all but robbed him of his innocent years. Maybe thats why deep down I have a heart for children and an envy of them. No, I'm not michael jackson. I won't be luring children into bed with me. However being in a stable environment aa child is so important to how that child will eventually grow and mature. Parents would be wise to love and provide for their child. Bring them up in a stable home, a loving home.

Ah yes love, what can I say? I'm a sucker for it. After all the one thing I have always wanted was to be loved by another human being. I still believe that having wealth and power is nothing compared to spending your life with someone you love and loves you in return. Someone who loves you for who you are. Inside and out, good and bad, loves your light and shines their light in your dark. If only I ever were to find that unconditional love. Thats my desire. I don't care to see the world or be a millionaire, just unconditional love and respect I crave.

I'm rambling on. Its late and while I feel tired I fail to sleep. I felt like I was dying before in my sleep. I awoke shaking in fear. Honestly it may have been the most terrifying feeling. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with my body and that I will go to sleep only to never awake. I can't leave here without accomplishing something. It would be a terrible waste of life. I cannot allow that to happen. However death does not care of my plans or hopes. It does not discriminate in its choosing. We will all face it.

I write these things and post them on facebook to let people who may feel these feelings that they are not alone. I look to gain nothing from it. I do however wish to express myself honestly. Again I know I am misunderstood, so I write to shed light on who I am. I don't know if anyone cares but thats not the point. We are all people. We all go through things. We all fall down. However there is hope. There will always be a light in the darkness. The storms of our lives like I said earlier will have an ending. All things do. So let us meet our ends gloriously. God bless you all.

In dreams

Its early, the dawn is breaking, twilight. I stare out my window the last twinkling of the stars before night gives way to morning. I feel at peace. The cool wind brushes against my face. The sun begins to rise. I step outside to greet the new day. I walk out onto the beach as the sun continues to rise. The ocean waves play the tune for mornings triumphant return. Again I am at peace. The warmth provided by the sun takes hold. I am grateful for I have seen many cold nights. I walk along the beach, barefoot, kicking sand. I am jubilant and again at peace. I stop, in awe and wonder of this beautiful morning. I thank God for it. I am at peace. I think to myself if only my dreams could be this peaceful and every day begin this way. A strange sound in the distance. Louder and louder it gets until...

Alarm clock. Darkness. Light barely entering my room. I'm awake, and so begins my nightmare.

Song lyrics

As one might imagine music is big part of my life. No I'm not a musician but I like to listen to music. Songs are powerful tools that can be used for both good and evil. They can inspire and tear someone down. Make you happy or depress you. I have decided to post song lyrics on here from time to time simply because sometimes they say what I feel better than I can.

It's buried deep within the past and I hope it doesn't last
(It's something I already chase, I already chase)
I try to give it all away but it's never gonna fade
(It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face)
I know you feel it's all the same but I promise that'll change
(It's something I already chase, I already chase)
You know I'm trying to believe that you're never gonna leave
(It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face)

There's nothing left, the fear is gone
When my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you

I know I'm not the perfect one, this pain has just begun
(It's something I already chase, I already chase)
You bring me to a better path, is everything alright
(It's something I don't wanna face, I don't wanna face)

There's nothing left, the fear is gone
And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you

If you fade out without me
You'll know all about me
If you fade out without me
You'll know all

And when my heartstrings come undone
I will wait for you, pray for you
Before I make my final run I will stay with you, decay with you

Demon hunter
"My heartstrings come undone"

We can't get it back

Life is a series of risks, gambles, and decisions. If one has ever gambled you can understand the excitement of it all. This one hand, or roll could be the one that changes my life forever. Then it happens, you lose. Maybe you were on a roll and took it just a little too far. Maybe you put it all out there because you had nothing to lose. After all as a friend of mine would say, "money comes back." Now I am not saying we should gamble all our money away but in life we gamble.

Think about the decisions we have to make in our lives. What kind of job do we want? What school we go to? What friends and relationships do we enter into? All a gamble. There are no guarantees in this life so we take chances. We invest, and while most investments require money thats not all we gamble with. The highest form of currency at the tables in Lifes casino is time. Yes time. It is also the only currency we don't get back.

We are creatures bound by time. Everything in this dimension has a beginning and ultimately an end. Somewhere stamped on us is an expiration date that we cannot see which makes time so important. Some of use will be lucky and beat the games for years and some of us not so much. Yet we all gamble with our time knowing full well we don't get it back. Not until the invention of the time machine will we be able to get back lost time. This is why its so important to be careful what you invest your chips in. See that girl, how much time do you invest? Relationship or a quicky? Either way time spent. Do you go all in? Some of us are sitting there with pocket kings and we go all in and the house has aces. Now that time you spent in a relationship is gone. Yes the feeling invested will crush you, money you spent gone. Yet all of those thing will come back, but not the time spent.

Now of course I'm not just talking relationships. Going to college and declaring your major. Bust your butt for years of schooling and never get a job in that field. Time invested, can't get it back. Now school is never a bad investment again just another example of where our time goes. The point is, invest wisely with everything but remember time never comes back. We can't account for the bad beats we are dealt, and oh yes we will be. The house always wins in the end and life is one bitch of a dealer.

Time, we borrow it. Its not even truly ours. Which is why we look back at our most triumphant moments and miss them. Why sometimes we relive the bad beats to remind us of what we learned. Its not pointless. You have an allotted amount of time here. Play on, don't be afraid to love to take a risk. Just be wise with your investments because some beats are so bad we never recover. Its amazing how we always remember the bad. How it stays with us. I'm off topic, my mind is wandering. In this case the only thing worse than gambling and losing it all, is hoarding your chips and never taking a chance. Happy gambling my friends.

My mind just won't shut up

2011. Another year. I'm alive. I think I'm alive, no maybe I'm just breathing. I'm thinking, therefore I exist right? Do I merely want to exist? No I want to live. But how? Have I been living or just going through the motions? Is going through the motions living? Or should I rage against the machine? Shake up the status quo! Would anyone care? Would it make a difference? Can a man change his stars? Can he challenge destiny or the wheels of fate? Take a stand in a world where everyone knowingly or not is marching to the beat of one drum, DESTRUCTION.
Fight against the dying of the light. Be a light in a world that hates the light. Be alone in the world yet never alone. Be the warrior who carries into battle the weight of the world, one that cares not for him. Or turn your back and get in line. Choice is yours. Do we really have a choice? Free will or no will? Or wills bound to a darkness we no longer see. One we are desensitized by, one we love!
Tired, weary I grow. How I long to be on the mountain top instead of this baron valley. This desert of questions. a foul with the stench of those who are rotting here. I to am becoming one of them. Zombie, the terror of it all. No no, I have purpose, I am not mindless. No for if I were mindless this wouldn't exist. The words here wouldn't, the questions, the experiences, the journey. Ugh if I hear any of their music one more time. Stay focused, a beast is before you. You can hear his ramblings. Growling and gnawing on the corpses of those here. The sky turns black. Thunder ringing in my ears. Flashes of lightning shake me to the core. Come beast I fear you no more than I fear myself... Myself.