Saturday, December 25, 2010


Vast jungle.
Fog, sight limited.
Taking steps, feet muddy.
Hear a click
"oh shit"

Friday, December 24, 2010


Its a weird feeling I have been feeling. I feel betrayed sure. I feel as though I have been taken for a fool, absolutely. Worst of all I feel abandoned. I have had a hard time with being left. My whole life I feel I have been abandoned. They say security starts in the home. I never had that when I was young. I believe this is where it all began. I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was young. Yes I know its happening all over. In my case however it has left a scar that I do not believe has healed. Over the course of my life I have forged friendships and even believed I was loved once or twice. Yet each time it has ended the same way. I have been left alone. I can't imagine many people understanding this, to most I probably sound foolish. Yet it is an area I struggle with. I've never been good enough for someone to just stick around. I don't really understand it. I'm sure I've done the same to others and it is terrible. Nothing hurts more however than the feeling of being abandoned by someone you love and who loved you too. I guess I just have to suck it up right. Be a man and deal, tough luck kid. However I'm just tired of it. I'm drained and left to try to pick myself up again and soldier on. I really don't want to though. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces. Yet I have no choice. This is how one becomes bitter. When you never had the choice. When people manipulated you and took advantage. When they lie and rape you of your own will. When you never have the choice to actually avoid the land mines.
Its one of my favorite holidays and I feel no joy. I feel only pain. I feel like my life spark was taken. Sure I won't feel this forever but this one hurts. I've tried to keep it all inside like I've done so many times before but I can't swallow this one. Not again, not any more. Then the anger sets in. The rage, the wanting vengeance. Until all these feelings well up into a storm, a terrible violent storm and I'm thrashed around, caught in the winds of change, the eye of the storm, the cruel wheels of fate. Restless and without peace until the storm fades. Then once I have landed I will begin construction. The walls will be higher. They will be fortified. There will be guns at the ready to take down any who trespass. Its safe there until the cycle undoubtedly begins again.

Friday, January 29, 2010


I have often pondered this. What is love? I have always believed it is the greatest force on this earth. It can bring hope and even peace to the most unstable of people. Yes even to the really out there or closed off. True unconditional love in time could melt the coldest of hearts. However I don't believe it exists here in its true unadulterated form. Simply because people suck. Human beings by our very nature cannot handle something so pure and powerful. We have no idea how to use it. Now look at the mess we are in. The expression I love you gets tossed around like some cheap blunt. Its sad really to think this but its true. Divorce rates are through the roof right? People are always cheating it would seem. Thanks to MTV and all media we are taught that love is just some fleeting feeling and its not. Love isn't the butterflies in your stomach upon meeting someone new. It isn't sexually charged or some product of raging hormones. Sorry guess again. Love is a VERB, which for all you people who drop out of school in junior high means an action word.
Love is something you do. Love is taking care of a loved one when they are sick. Love is taking part in an activity that you personally may not care for but you know your loved one would appreciate it. Love forgives the mistakes and holds no record of wrongs. Love is pure and kind and not selfish. Ahh well here is the problem. People are selfish more often then not. People want their needs met when they want it. This is where love can get trampled under foot. If there is one poison that has seeped into the world view of love it is selfishness. Selfishness flies in the face of everything love stands for. So we as people who in our nature can be selfish have taken love and used it to get what we want out of people. How many times has a guy said he loves you and didn't expect you to have sex with him after ladies? Or men have women told you they love you only when you are having good times and buying them nice things? Yes well that's not love its selfishness disguised as love. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing and we all get fooled and eventually burned.

So what can be said if love in its perfect form doesn't exist? Is there any hope? I believe there is hope but its hanging on by a thread. It's up to people to change their attitudes. Love isn't about material nor is it superficial or vain. It sees beyond what the eyes can see. It can heal broken hearts, mend a persons soul and even in some cases nurse a person back to physical health. If we could just get our heads out of our asses and start caring about each other and our loved ones. Look just start small. If you have a significant other or a spouse tell them you love them and go do something together. Take a walk, get some dinner, or a movie, or both. Time is so short and for those who have someone they love don't waste or squander your time together. You have to work art it every day because LOVE IS A VERB! Don't give up the fight. Its hard, I know the struggles of the flesh. I know how easy it is to be selfish especially with the person who loves you. Point is just make an effort to deny yourself a bit more and stretch yourself out a little. Amazing things can happen if we all just started living true love.