Sunday, May 12, 2013

Wide awake

So it is 4:38am. I am awake and not really feeling all that great. I am really questioning why I am here? Why I even bother? Why I associate with anyone? Why waste my time, breathe, resources, care, concern? I have always since I was a kid believed I don't belong here. I have never really fit in anywhere. I tend to march to the beat of my own drum which isn't bad but it doesn't exactly win me favor either. The only time I ever seemingly matter is when someone else has a damn problem and come crying to me for advice, help, etc. I freely give it, there was a time I even enjoyed it, helping someone else. Now its really just tedious. I do it because I realize its my role to play but I certainly don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy being noticed when someone else has a problem they are to weak, stupid, helpless to figure out for themselves. Especially when their "problems" are so ridiculous. Now keep in mind I am not referring to my friends, because they I willingly give my time to when there is a need. Im talking about others. Others who I am "friends" with in accordance with their need of me. Call me up crying out of the blue after ignoring me for months and expect me to be the bigger man and hear them out. You prey upon my desire to help. You expect me to set aside what I am doing and play the role so many others in your life fail to play. Then toss me aside. I really am not your whore, or your punching bag, and I certainly am not paid to be your damn shrink. Don't come at me with your smile while deceit rots your gums. Don't look at me with those eyes that plead for compassion but fueled by selfishness. Where the hell is my reward? When is it my turn to receive something for all this nonsense I deal with? Worst of all is the backhanded insults I then suffer from these people. Do a good deed and be met with an insult? I never signed up for that. I don't know anymore. Its not worth it. I wrestle with this thought constantly. Its not worth being the better man. Its not worth being a good guy. While all these jackasses are reaping the rewards for their evil and disgusting deeds I sit alone, all fucking alone, being insulted, being alienated, being labeled. I sit alone while you judge me. You say freak, you say loser, you say nice guy BUT....there is always a fucking BUT. That's why I don't belong, I have never belonged. All this time trying to find my place in a world that doesn't want me, a world that decays, a world that I do not want either. Spare me your mockery, your illusions, your curses, your phoniness. One day you'll come crying, looking for hope and solace, one day you will cry for some type of salvation and I wont hear it. I wont care. Simply because I cant save a damn one of you nor do I desire to. You push, you suck, you take and leave nothing but the bite marks, nothing but the void. There is no reward, nothing gained for my sacrifices. So cry on. Oh what, no more laughter now? This isn't funny? You aren't amused? Well neither am I nor have I been for the longest. Take your venom elsewhere, lest I cut the head off the snake that you are. Leave me alone. Unless you intend to give back, and not simply take from me, then keep moving. I don't have time for it. I wont reach out to you, I wont waste myself on you.