Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I don't even know where to begin. Needless to say I have been extremely frustrated with situations in my life. People, friends, enemies, just so damn frustrating. Double standards...I HATE THEM!!!! They plague my very existence. When other people do terrible things to me selfishly it is with good reason, when I stand up for myself it is wrong. DOUBLE STANDARD!!! When I call someone out for their crimes against me I am a villain. I am cast out. When I express my feelings, when I try in vain to keep them in check to the point where I cant help but explode I am vilified. When people fail to see the injustices committed against me because they are too proud or stubborn to admit any wrong doing it just drives me insane. I can admit when I am wrong and more often then not I am but there are those few times when enough is enough. When I am entitled to defend myself. Moments when I am entitled to feel angry and disappointed. Yet I am told I should not, that I have no reason to feel what I feel. That I have no right to act in my frustration and to those I say screw you. Lord knows you who would dare sit there and say Im not allowed to feel this way have done the very same thing. I have witnessed it. DOUBLE STANDARD!!! Dont even get me started on being told that what I feel is wrong. I can't stand how many times I have sat there and listened to someone whine and cry about how they feel even if what they feel is absolutely ridiculous. I try to put myself in their shoes, hear them out because whether or not I agree they are allowed to feel how they are in the moment. Does it make sense to me when people cheat on spouses? No, but they have their reasons and I can sit even though I disagree and hear them out. Its the least I can do. If my opinion is asked I'll share it, no punches pulled. However, when I feel something, be it love, be it anger I am told to put a sock in it. DOUBLE STANDARD!!! I wish I was expressing this better but Im angry as I type this so it probably wont come out how I want it. Truth is I am just sick and tired of rules that only apply to me while everyone around me breaks them. I dont mean the rules and code I live by, I mean the rules and restrictions imposed on me by this world and her people. Maybe I am crazy, maybe slowly but surely I am losing my mind but I feel strongly that I am right. That I have a right to be angry when I feel I have been played, used, hurt. I am allow to feel hurt. Whether someone means to do it or not, I am allowed to feel it and I damn well should be allowed to express it. I admit, I dont always express it the right way. Most of the time I just try my best to swallow it, but you can only swallow poison so long before you regurgitate. Yes there are parts of me that really want revenge. Parts of me that want to really stick it to those who from my perspective have caused me harm. Its only human right? I know me though, I will get none because in the end I will cool off and realize that Im better then this. That I am better than those who could cause me harm. That those in my life who should mean anything to me are those who show me the respect I deserve, not in words but in deeds. I know people are prone to making mistakes, we all do. Im not asking for perfection from anyone I know and therefore I would expect them not to hold me to it either. I can forgive, and move on. I always have. Its how Im still alive today. If I didnt let go of all the bullshit I have dealt with, Im sure I'd either be in jail or dead. I trust that those who think they can just do whatever they want without thought of those around them will pay some day. I dont need the blood to be on my hands because then Im no better then they are. Its why I love Batman so much. He is crazy himself, but what sets him apart from the criminals he faces is his code, he doesnt kill, he lets the law do its job. He is above those criminals because he doesnt allow himself to descend to their level. I dont want to bring myself down to anyone elses level. this rubs people the wrong way and I have made enemies because of it. Nobody will dictate to me my footsteps. Not any human being anyway. So yes I am frustrated but Im not defeated. Im not down and out despite what some may hope. I may have suffered set backs but Im still getting up. I'll continue to be me for better or worse. I'll keep getting up until this flesh can do so no longer. I want to apologise for my shortcomings. For those I have let down, I am sorry. For all of my failures I am deeply sorry. I can be a man and admit them though I know plenty who will not. If I could make them all right I would. If I had all the answers or an elixir to cure the ills I have caused others I would. Im only human. However this is another blog for another day. To those I have hurt I am sorry. To those who have hurt me without remorse, I trust you will be dealt with some day but it wont be by me unless...there is no other way.