So our over achieving life has made another year, 34. Sadly there really isn't much to show for it. Looking back on everything and I'm no better. I know what the statistics say, I know I'm not suppose to succeed given the circumstances of my life. The numbers say I won't make it. What scares me even more is the numbers say I'll die by my own hand. That I'm just one really bad day away from snapping. Funny thing about me is I don't lash out at others, everything is internalized. I lash myself, pulling out my flail and whipping myself into a bloody pulp, figuratively speaking of course.
34, half way to the end assuming I live the normal average life span. What to show for it? Nothing. It's all meaningless anyway. I wasn't suppose to live this long and it's as if I just don't know what to do with myself. It's always there, reminding me, willing me to put an end to the suffering. The pain of waking up everyday, my body hurts and I can feel it getting weaker daily. Walking, lifting, moving, a step slower, and the aches never end. I'd give anything to be 18 again.
Then there is the loneliness and that bothers me more than any nagging knee pain. I'm aware that I'm not the easiest to love, I've built up so many walls to protect myself after years of abuse. I realize that once my parents are gone I'll literally have not a single soul who will give a shit about me. Just another reason, egging me on into oblivion. I just haven't figured out why. I didn't ask for any of this, the poverty, the abuse, the loneliness, the pains, the anguish, the fear, all of it. I say all this and it's not pity I want, it's something greater than that, something real.
34 years of failing at life, at love, at everything. I sit alone at night and think and dream about a life I'll never have. The good job, the girl of my dreams, the children I'd adore and it's all just that a dream. Time is just cutting away, life string after life string cut. The realization, it's just too much to take in sometimes. So I'll do everything to hide it, I'll laugh and I'll put on a show in public and go home no richer than I was before. I'll go home to my dark, my empty space and I'll shed tears nobody will ever see. Within those tears I'll drown gasping for air of a life worth living. Death, just waits, dangling his gift as a release, as salvation for the weary. I wonder how much longer can I fight it. How much longer until I end up like Chris Cornell, in a bathroom alone.
That's what rattled me the most about his death, he has it all, money, family, looks, a talent I would kill for and yet it wasn't enough to keep him here. I don't have one tenth of that, so what the hell is keeping me here? Am I worth it? How quickly I would exchange my life with one of this children aborted, that they might make better use of it than I, how I wish I could be so...
What will keep me going when all I love are gone? I don't know. I may never know, maybe I'm not meant to know because I'm not meant to be here. Maybe the story never got this far and I'm just wadding through blank pages of a book that was suppose to be finished chapters ago. Take up the pen and write my own story you say? I wouldn't know where to start because I've tried my way and have been left with nothing. I am not capable of authoring a happy ending. Statistically there is but one outcome be it now for another 30 years from now, one I fight every day of my existence. I do not want to be another statistic, another lost soul.
So I peer into the fog of my life, walking, crawling, to the other side not knowing why. Hoping that one day this life will bestow me with something worth living for, something to fight for, to even die for. The odds are against me, the world is against me, those around me are against me, my heart and mind are against me, so it is to God that I seek to fight for me. It is by His will alone I'm able to walk this day. He is the only hope I have, may it never be any other way. Were He to leave, there would be nothing, a complete void. Another year, more searching, more hope, more love than the previous is all I want. May it be...
Thursday, May 11, 2017
So here we are again, another Spring season rolls in and I feel the same as I always do, alone. This time though instead of self pity or depression I am angry and fed up. What the fuck is wrong with me? That's the question I want answered. What the fuck makes me unworthy of the one and only thing I want out of this life? No seriously, I am tired of going on Facebook and seeing everyone else throwing their love story out there. I am tired of being the fucking president of the Friend Zone. I am tired of being the good guy only to have my heart trampled upon. I'm tired of observing assholes men get women and not even appreciate the woman they are with going so far as the cheat on them regularly. If I hear from a female one more time that I am a great guy and will make someone happy one day I might just commit murder. If one more person asks me why I'm single or feels the need to remind me that I'm not getting any younger. Ya know what I have no fucking idea why I'm single. Maybe ask any girl I have ever liked who thought I wasn't good enough for them and they can give you the answer because I have no fucking idea. While your at it ask them why they got with scumbags a, b and c and still wouldn't give me a shot. This is years of frustration just exploding. I am tired of playing second fiddle, tired of being treated as if I don't exist. So what us the solution? Maybe just be a dock. Maybe say all the right things just to get into a girls pants and then bounce. Maybe I should just stop actually caring about someone and just say fuck it and treat them all like pieces of meat. Maybe then I'll get something, some reaction. All I know is I'm beyond angry that other people get what I crave and so easily and don't even cherish it. Ooh and to the females I am absolutely tired of your lies. Don't be nice to me to save my feelings in some vanity bullshit. Don't you dare string me along because you like the attention and yet have zero desire to be with me. Don't you dare tell me you care about me when you only care about what I can do for you. I've been through it all and I've heard EVERY LIE imaginable. Fuck you. The truth is you don't deserve me, yes for the fucking first time in my life I put myself on the fucking pedestal. I am better than that shit for brains you date, I am better than his money or his ride but you'll never know although I'm sure I'm going to hear about how unhappy you are, FUCK YOU. Save it for Oprah! From now on if I don't get the love and respect I deserve or if I suspect you of being shady you are gone, fuck off. I'm not going to go that extra mile for you when you wouldn't even move a muscle for me, fuck you. This is what you want isn't it? You want a "man" right? Ya know someone who just wants to fuck you whenever he wants and bail when you really need him. Oh better yet why not go fuck a married dude because fuck anyone else out there who you may hurt with your selfish lust. I have seen and heard it all, I've been lied to, bullshitted, cheated on, dumped via Facebook etc. Yet ya know what makes me better than anyone you will ever know, my capacity to love, 100%, never begging for a raincheck. Despite all the shit I have had to endure I know in my heart that when I meet that one and only she will have all of me, I will love her like nothing else in the world exists, because I know I can. I know how to treat a woman, how to be a man who will edify her, support her, make her laugh, hold her when she needs it, I KNOW I AM THAT MAN! For all of you who think I am not worth shit, a final fuck you. The loss is ultimately yours.