I came home from work. Tired, exhausted, I hardly sleep at night anymore. Over the last few months there have been shifts in my life. Everything has been shaken. Everything I believed, everything I hoped for dashed upon the rocks. I can't say that I didn't see it coming. However I hoped it would never come. The end of all things is inevitable. Thats right love will end just as sure as life will end. Everything in the boundaries of time are a series of beginnings and endings. Even when we die our souls will carry on. What eternity must be like? Its frightening. To be somewhere that has no end in sight. Sometimes endings are good. When you are sick you eagerly await its ending. However in eternity there is no end. What happens if you are on the wrong side of it? I shutter to think.
I think about my life and how lonely and abandoned it is. I have walked this journey alone for most of my life. People were never there for me. There simply wasn't anyone outside of my immediate family who ever cared enough. You face these realities and you learn to cope. This is why the few relations I have are so precious to me. Its always been so hard to open up to people. Always so hard for people to understand me. Which makes it devastating when I lose a friend or loved one. I know what you are thinking, this is all in my head. However I have too much experience with being mocked, beat up and stared at for it to be a figment of my imagination.
I feel alienated quite a bit. Loneliness is terrible. Its like being lost in a desert sand storm or in space. Just you and your thoughts. This is when the vilest part of my nature rears its ugly head. My mind has been shaped by both light and darkness. However as a child, in my adolescence is when most of the darkness seeped in. It took a little boy and all but robbed him of his innocent years. Maybe thats why deep down I have a heart for children and an envy of them. No, I'm not michael jackson. I won't be luring children into bed with me. However being in a stable environment aa child is so important to how that child will eventually grow and mature. Parents would be wise to love and provide for their child. Bring them up in a stable home, a loving home.
Ah yes love, what can I say? I'm a sucker for it. After all the one thing I have always wanted was to be loved by another human being. I still believe that having wealth and power is nothing compared to spending your life with someone you love and loves you in return. Someone who loves you for who you are. Inside and out, good and bad, loves your light and shines their light in your dark. If only I ever were to find that unconditional love. Thats my desire. I don't care to see the world or be a millionaire, just unconditional love and respect I crave.
I'm rambling on. Its late and while I feel tired I fail to sleep. I felt like I was dying before in my sleep. I awoke shaking in fear. Honestly it may have been the most terrifying feeling. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with my body and that I will go to sleep only to never awake. I can't leave here without accomplishing something. It would be a terrible waste of life. I cannot allow that to happen. However death does not care of my plans or hopes. It does not discriminate in its choosing. We will all face it.
I write these things and post them on facebook to let people who may feel these feelings that they are not alone. I look to gain nothing from it. I do however wish to express myself honestly. Again I know I am misunderstood, so I write to shed light on who I am. I don't know if anyone cares but thats not the point. We are all people. We all go through things. We all fall down. However there is hope. There will always be a light in the darkness. The storms of our lives like I said earlier will have an ending. All things do. So let us meet our ends gloriously. God bless you all.