My life, the open book

I am just sitting here alone in my room which is the norm these days.  I spend most of my days anxious, nervous about my future.  I have lost the will to carry on.  So I distract myself with video games and videos online.  It seems like my only escape, a prison that I designed myself to have some sort of comfort.  My body has given up.  All the anxieties and fears of a life abused have caught up to me.  I have been forced to swallow a lot of poison in my life.  Where to start?  I guess you could say it all started in my home.  The idea of a loving family was lost at a very early age.  I've stopped and thought about this simple fact many times over.  How losing your family at such a young age can effect your security.  I may have been young but I always said I wasn't like other kids.  I pondered death as early as five years of age.  I remember being so terrified of it, I still am.  So naturally I went on to ponder my family situation and it was probably the first of many times I asked, why?  Why when I look around me there are kids with moms and dads, and big houses and cars and money and I had nothing.  So I turned to my imagination to forget these things.  When I was young I loved toys, still do technically.  They were my very first escape from the whirlwind of uncertainty around me.  Oh I had them all, Ninja turtles, GI Joes, Power rangers but my favorite and most beloved are The Transformers.

I love robots in general, something about the metallic jagged edges really seems cool to me.  The idea of robots turning into things like cars and jets even cooler.  I love them still to this very day having amassed quite the collection of transformers and some even survived my childhood.  I love the idea of transformation.  I love to think that we as people can transform for better or for worse.  Take Megatron for example, leader of the tyrannical group known as the Decepticons.  Now depending who you talk to he is considered a freedom fighter.  He was a miner from Tarn, who well, mined, that was what he was created for, his role to play on Cybertron (Transformers home world.)  However there were injustices being done to the miners, they were being laid off, and suddenly had no purpose.  Megatron believed that it should be the right of the individual to choose his own path instead of having the ruling class decide what he was.  Then the injustices continued to mount, he was witness to innocent workers being slaughtered for protesting, and he himself committed his first act of murder in self defense.  It was all a downward spiral, working as a gladiator and taking more and more lives.  Ok Rich, whats the point you nerd?  My point is, he was an innocent worker driven to evil.  It started out with good intentions, a belief in something that is right and just but was carried out in a way that was evil and cost so many their lives.  Transforming ones mind, ones soul, and to some extent their own bodies.  Its what I love about The Transformers, there is indeed more than meets the eye.

So what about us as people?  Can we change for the better?  Can a poor boy from Staten Island become something great?  I haven't figured that part out yet.  I have had some amazing thing happen in my life and there was a transformation from darkness to light,  from despair to hope.  Now we are back in the dark, the only light coming from my laptop screen.  Alone....pondering transformers.  Pondering every step that has brought me here to this place.  When I was a child my world was shattered into a million pieces.  There was way too much uncertainty.  There was no security, my world was turned upside down and I grew to hate those around me.  I hated them for having what I didnt.  I hated having to go from house to house, from my moms to my dads and back again.  Holidays were so annoying, spent this amount of hours here, get picked up spend this amount of hours there.  Then the question, why?  When your first life lesson as a child is life isn't fair and doesn't give a fuck about you or what you feel, that is a tough pill to swallow and I learned it at a very early age.  That hasn't made that realization any easier to cope with 27 years later.

I spent my nights wishing my family could get back together but knowing full well it wasn't going to happen.  I think the hardest part was hearing how my parents spoke of each other.  Hearing both sides name call, blame the other for the failure of the marriage.  There was also the third voice in my ear, the world around me, kids who had way more than I did telling me how much of a loser I was because my family was broken.  As if I had any control over it.  As an adult I realize I didn't but 6 year old Richie didn't know that.  Did I do something wrong?  Was it my fault?  Would things have been better if I wasn't born?  (A question I still ask myself.)  I witnessed my mother go into a depression where she spent most of her days locked inside a bathroom or her room listening to music and smoking cigarettes.  I was parked in front of the television or playing with my toys.  Love has always come weird to me.  I wasn't a smothered child in the love department.  Don't get me wrong I dont doubt my parents love me, I know they do but it wasnt always expressed especially during that dark period.

So Rich why didn't you go outside and make friends and play with people?  Well, riddle me this, would you go outside and play if you were being bullied constantly?  Would you go out and play if you had rocks thrown at you while you were sitting on your porch?  Would you go out and play when older kids, teenagers would come over and break your toys in front of you?  Would you go outside and play when older kids shoved dog food down your throat?  No?  I didn't think so.  I was abused daily whether it was kids in the neighborhood or kids at school.  I was a scrawny kid, all bone, and naive.  I trusted people, I wanted to fit in and hang out and be "cool" and I paid for it.  To the point where the only real friends I had up through elementary and middle school weren't actually friends at all.  I was beaten up by them daily, picked on, name called, the whole nine but I dealt with it.  I allowed it to happen because it was either that, or be alone.  It was either accept this kind of attention or get no attention.  Its weird how that works out, I can sympathize with people who are in abusive relationships.  They are people with needs and unfortunately feel that this is the only way they can have whatever need they have met.  Its a sad place to be in.  I use to always say why don't people just leave those situations but you just never know whats going on in a persons head that keeps them where they are.  Maybe its fear, fear of loneliness, fear for their lives, fear of the unknown.  For some the enemy you know is better than the enemy you don't.  I think that is what it was for me as a kid.  I was familiar with these people even if they kick the shit out of me.  Let me tell you now, as someone who has been through this, GET OUT!  DO NOT let someone else trample on you.  DO NOT think that this is love, friendship,  what you deserve, or being afraid.  Please, do it for yourself and don't make the mistakes that I  made, I'm pleading, begging you, get the help you need no matter what age you are.  YOU are so fucking worth it.

I guess I'll wrap this entry up here. In the next one I'll talk about growing up in Staten Island which I absolutely hated.  We'll probably delve more into my family life as well.  Until then, I just want to say I don't know what good will come of this blog.  I don't know if anyone will actually read this at all.  However, if it can help just one soul know they aren't alone in this seeming hell then its all worth it and I can die at peace with my own life.  I don't have all the answers, but the best I can offer is to be completely naked and proudly display my scars.  If only so that someone else can avoid making the choices I have made, if only to save a life.  You arent alone out there in the wasteland.  There is still hope so long as you are able to breathe.  I implore you, get the help you need, please, find a way.  In the internet age, information is literally at our finger tips, there is opportunity today that never existed when I was a kid.  Please, friend, bro, sis, if you find yourself feeling alone, hurting, get some help.  Below is my personal email, RFULCINELLI@yahoo.com.  If you need to talk, if you just want to vent, I will do my very best to listen, to help and be supportive.  Please, I'm throwing myself out there, just make sure to post in the title that you are writing to talk.  Its time to try to do some good in the midst of my own sadness.  Take care all.  Much love.

Fool me once....

This wont be some long diatribe.  It will be short and sweet.  Don't trust anyone, especially those on the internet.  You are just a cog on the wheel and when you are dead and gone you are replaceable.  You know what you are, you are a serial number with an expiration date.  You are dropping seconds in a glass until you die.  Oh we all want to believe in the good of people.  You are better off believing in fairies, santa clause and the boogeyman.  They are more real than the "goodness" of man.   Oh and for all you ass clowns walking around talking about karma, fuck you.  Karma is the biggest lie of them all.  Good things happen to good people huh?  You sure about that because I have about 27 years of bones to pick with that bitch karma.  I am angry, because I got fooled again.  Shame on me.  What annoys me the most though is people who ignore, people who act as if you dont fucking exist  That is one of the single most annoying things you can do to me.  I am very much alive, I very much  have feelings and I damn will demand respect.  If you cant respect me enough to at least acknowledge me then fuck off.

The sruggle

It has been a really long time since I have even updated this thing. So much has happened and it went by so damn quick.  I'm not sure anyone actually read this thing.  Maybe its just therapeutic that I write from time to time.  Not sure if it helps but in a weird way its like releasing the demons if that makes any sense.  this past year has been utter hell.  I have lost so much.  I've lost my job, my health, my social life, money, pretty much everything.  Maybe I overachieved all this time.  Many people when I was younger said I wouldn't make it, that I would simply take my own life.  Funny thing is I'm terrified of dying.  I have a fear of things unknown and death is the greatest of unknowns.  You never know when or how, you don't know what lies on the other side.  I believe we are eternal beings, that there is more to the human than just the biological.  we are more than flesh and blood, we are spirit as well.  I know most people don't think about it, or really care.  I simply cant look into the eyes of another human being and think there isn't a soul that makes this person unique.

Then I wonder about my own soul.  At what point did it become so jaded?  At what point did I just say to myself there is no hope for us as humans.  Was it the repeated beatings of my youth?  Was it the alienation I had felt for so long, locking myself away for summers at a time.  Was it the loss of love? Was it the taking refuge in books and video games to help me forget the pains of my reality?  Physical pains are fine, those I can deal with, but the psychological scars are a bit harder to deal with.  I carry this weight on me constantly and I think my body just reached a breaking point.  I was having intense panic attacks to the point I thought I was dying, depression to the point where I couldnt even move.  I am legitimately worried about my future.  I feel as though Im in quick sand, just slowly sinking.  Every time I think I hit bottom I see to just crash through the floor and continue to fall and Im wondering how deep can hell get.

I am in a constant war within myself.  I love and hate simultaneously.  I want to be indifferent and yet I care too damn much.  I long to feel human when all Ive been made to feel like is something less than man.  I've given up the ghost of love.  Its sad because its the only thing I want in this life.   I don't care about money or material things, none of that matters if you are alone and nobody loves you.  Love is such a funny thing.  I try to wrap my head around it logically but it really cant be understood in such a way.  I wonder about its nature within us, how people can fall in and out of love all the time.  Why does it happen?  Is it true love if you can lose it? Do people mistake what love really is?  Do they think they are in love when they are really just comfortable or lustful?  I just don't know.  I know for me, I can fall and fall hard.  Im a committed man once I know I can trust someone.  the hardest part for me is the early stages.  I am so guarded, so jaded, and I make it very difficult for people to get in.  Not that many people are trying to anyway.  I am alone, some of its my own doing and some of it is because in order to be me I cant go along with the trended that people would consider attractive or hot.  I am a sports fan,metal head  superhero nerd, gaming geek, transformers lover, Lord of the Rings, T shirt and sweats kinda guy.  Not exactly what people are looking for.  I wont compromise it though, I tried and still ended up heart broken.

So there is this girl, and she is amazing.  I already know she would be perfect, not because she is perfect but because I just can see how amazing her heart is.  I mean she is beautiful physically too but its her feistiness(is that a word,)  her heart, she is so damn funny.  Ugh, its so stupid of me, I know I'm a nobody to her but god I'd give anything. I can go on forever, I really could, I guess I'm smitten by someone who lives a million miles away.  Yup, silly, hopeless romantic Rich.  If only I could catch a break, just one time.  She makes me smile, she makes me feel human, like I actually matter.  She'll never know, never understand it and most of all probably never feel that way about me.  So its a waste right?  If she only knew though, the butterflies in my stomach just talking about it.  I feel like a kid in high school again.  Embarrassing, yes that's what I am thinking.

So thats the update.  Sorry its not more upbeat or exciting but thats my life right now.  I'm working on it, trying to get better.  Its a long slow road to recovery.  Im just thankful Im not seeking drugs or alcohol to deal with this and just compound my issues.  I believe I am strong enough to pull through, its just getting my body back into fighting form.  I have to find the will to carry on, I need a reason, I need a muse. Some people will say well you should be the reason, but obviously thats not working for me, I need something outside of me to drive me.  I need a muse, I need a reason, I need a catalyst, its what I need now more than ever.  Fuck all your self help bullshit, I know what I need.  

untitled

Hello my beloved
Its been so long since you left
Do you recognize me?
Stare into these eyes
Do you see me now?
Can you see the fading embers of love?
Can you see the man I use to be?
I still bleed from the knife in my back.
You remember the one don't you?
I cant say I didn't see it coming
I chose not to believe nay,
I chose to believe in you.
My love and trust rewarded by lies and betrayal
I've learned a lot since then
My heart encased in walls of ice
Enclosing the faintest of heartbeats
It still beats, it still yearns, longing to be loved again

Look at me now, just a shell
does anybody see me anymore?
Can they bear the sight of me?
Your creation, guarded, bleeding, and broken.
Alienated, yet I feel the stares
Pity, hatred and disgust like daggers
They cant accept me nor I them
Im distant in order to protect myself
its the only way I know how to cope
Do you remember me?
lost in the carnival of souls
remind me of who I was
Tell me there was a time
when cold gave way to warmth
When my smile was genuine and my thoughts sincere
I cant seem to remember those days
Days when there was an embrace
the security and peace of loving arms
they can never love me
I watch as their eyes glance over me
Do they recognize a man standing before them?
Am I just a ghost?
Unseen, unheard, forgotten to time
Is it willful ignorance?
Am I so deformed that the sight of me
repulsive, sickening, a horror

what did I do to deserve such a fate?
Am I so unloved? Undesirable?
Whats it going to take?
I don't understand why not me?
then I remember the knife, the blood
Does it drive people away?
Despite my masks my guise is faltering
the weight of this curse unbearable
Forever alone, forever cold, forever wanting
The duality is astounding
A heart so warm can be so cold
A soul so caring can be so indifferent
Free and imprisoned, alive yet dead
Willing and yet shunned

Remember me my love when I am no more
Return if only to claim your property
One last time tell me the tales of old
Remove your knife and set me free
Its all I ask, one kind favor
please my precious, my everything and my all
allow this blood to flow
My parting gift to you, my life force
I leave you these departing words
as the world around me fades to black
I shed a tear for all that's lost
In that space between a blink and a tear I go
The soul free from this bodily prison
Shall I go to heaven?
Will the angels receive me?
Or is hell my eternal destination?
Perhaps I should hope for oblivion
To erase your memory, your stain upon my soul

You have become my perfect sin
A goddess, my glorious, intoxicating idol
I forsake all for you
I'd go wherever you ask me to
Endure whatever task you set before me
You are my lone addiction
Please do not leave my love unrequited
Has my giving not been fervent enough?
My life blood not sufficient
tell me what more my sweet

Silence, there is nothing here
My goddess a figment of imagination
The sweet aromas, the warm embrace
the taste of her lips
the smooth skin and curves of her body
The knife, killing my fantasy
The illusion of you my love
you aren't real, the reality, the knife
Follow the trail to my broken heart
I cant make you, any of you
the love that I long for, the poison
of my own design, taken of my will
I can hear the laughter of both maker and destroyer
the moon and stars hide their faces
The shame of it all

You who I adore, unknown beauty
One day we shall be together
No matter how many lifetimes pass
May my cries echo into eternity
I will find you my love
See past the ghastly visage
May your hands reach inside
Melt away the cold recesses of my heart
Allow me to look upon you
So that I may remember
Remember my humanity, my smile
genuine, sincere, fearless and hopeful
Could you love me that much?
Even now when I have made it difficult?
Are you out there?
Do you think of me how I think of you?
For in you I find the keys to happiness
the solution to the riddle of life
I find my completion in your embrace
Im still here my love
Waiting, alone, cold and wanting.

On the Outside, Hating within

The older I get the lonelier I feel. I feel a weight, a burden that I wish I didnt have to bear. I never quite fit in. I never quite matter enough. Im closed off. I do not know how to be. Who do I have to be to matter? What must I be for people to care? How do I change? Yes change. Can a man change his stars? Can leopard change his spots? The Tiger his stripes? All signs point to no. Next question. what is wrong with me? What is it that makes me so undesirable? What is it that makes me feel so? No answer, silence. This burden, these questions. I try, I do. I attempt socializing but there is a disconnect. One glance and others already have no interest. They dont see me. They see past me, they see through me. Im not even there. They wonder why I am the way I am. The cycle continues. If Im alone, if I am treated like I dont matter then how can I feel anything else? How can I be when nobody can see me. Do I merely exist only to myself? Why is there this disconnect with people? Why am I the odd ball out? Im outside and cant get in. Im not allowed in. I have been judged, labeled and the verdict is not to my liking. I try I do, sincerely, with no ill intent. Yet Im alone. Lied to, left behind. Truth is I dont want to feel this. I hate this. I want to feel anything but this. I embraced the lonliness so long ago, made it my friend. I've dwelled in the barron desert of alienization. So long ago during the most important years of my young life, I became this. I mean well I do. I try to be open but it doesnt come easy. Can I change how the world around perceives me. Maybe its time to move on. To leave this desert and find my oasis. To find a place where nobody knows me. Where I can start fresh. Perhaps its time. Time to kick the door in. To no longer be relegated as the outsider, the one who doesnt belong. Perhaps, I will find peace elsewhere. I can leave this here, in this place. This failure, this pain can sit here and I can move away. Maybe. Maybe its just a part of who I am. If all the world is a stage and we merely the players then maybe this is my role no matter where I go. Maybe I am cursed. The Possibilities seem endless but there are no concrete answers to my questions. So I think some more. Thoughts racing at the speed of light. A part of me says I dont care anymore but that is the greatest lie I can tell myself. The truth is I care way too much about this. The older I get, the heavier the burden. Its mine alone, and not by choice. Where can I go with it? The searching seems endless. Theres no easy way to plead my case. It is just perceived in the wrong way no matter what. They say I am not right and depressed but one doesnt merely wake up and say this is what I'll be. One isnt born believing he is not right, believing that something is wrong with him. No, no, that comes from outside. That comes from those around him. All of what I feel, is a byproduct of my up bringing, by surroundings. The people who destroyed me to build themselves up. Its those that I cant forgive. Its those that I hate. Just like that, there it is. Hate. I have hate in my heart. From this hate breeds everything else. Hate leads to being closed off, leading to lonliness, leading to depression. Hate for those who hurt me. Hate that there is no closure. Hate that until this very day people see fit to use me for their own ends. Hate that they left me alone. Hate that they labeled me. HATE HATE HATE! Most of all HATE that I feel this way because I deserve better then this. I want to be free. So this is my prayer because there is no soul here who can help me. If it reaches the ears of God, I dont want this anymore. I dont need this in my life blurring the way I see things. I need help. I need to let go. I need for it to no longer matter. If the hate can go, soon, I may have a chance of no longer being on the outside looking in.

And now I know

Where to begin? I guess this morning I feel kind of blah. Now it being way earlier then I'm use to being awake may well be part of this equation but its not completely the reason. Sometimes you get hit with truths about yourself that you ignore. There are flaws about you that you would much rather keep hidden in the dark then ever have a light exposed upon them. There is that terrible feeling when you realize you've been unable to keep them in the dark. So it goes. I understand how the world views me, how people around me view me. I suppose I only have myself to blame. I wish I wasn't me. I wish so hard that I could be reformatted into someone amazing, someone deserving of all the things great in life. I cant be rebuilt, I'm not a robot, much to my chagrin. Where did it all go wrong? When did I become so unwanted? So undesirable? I honestly don't know anymore. Memories are just blending together. Moments in my life being erased, burned from my mind. I am here, but I'm not. Sometimes the lights are on but nobody is at home. I feel as though the things I want to change I cannot. I am programmed, wired, to be this way. To feel this stupid feelings and to be condemned by them. I didn't ask for this. I never wanted this life for myself. I never wanted to have the experiences I have had. Yet they are all mine. Etched into the very fabric and makeup of Rich Fulcinelli. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I see that I have never been as good as my illusionary mind would have me believe. I have lived in a land of make believe. Who is the real me? There are those around me who would label me miserable, a bum, ugly, not fun. Criticisms I have heard my whole life. Then comes the weight of trying to prove these notions wrong. Each time failing to do so, each time only proving them all right. Why couldn't I have it all like so many others? Why couldn't I have it all handed to me like those around me? They have no idea this battle, this struggle. They live in their blissful ignorance and have no idea what I have seen, what I have known. As if monsters are just born and not created. My life as a whole was probably destined for failure from the start. Broken home, alienation, locked inside your own mind trying at a young age to understand why. There has always been the question of why. I have come to conclusions as to why. That people are innately vile, always looking to cannibalize each other. I would take physical beatings over the mental anguish I have felt in my time here. I would trade every emotional and mental scar for the lash of a whip or a punch to the face. Not to say there hasn't been plenty of that. I have tried to not let this overtake me. Its been a long time since I have sat down and examined things to the point of tears. How does anyone understand me? Can they? No. The answer is always no. So I hide behind this façade. I smile half heartedly and laugh only to give off some semblance of being "normal." However as I get older cracks are beginning to form in my costume. I grow tired of having to play the same role over and over again. My disguise is faltering. For so long I have been afraid to express anything. Why bother? People will only pity you at best and at worst tell you its all your fault. It might be. While never controlling things around me I do control how I deal with them. Thinking about it now maybe I am more of a robot then a man. I try to be whatever it is that I am needed to be bouncing from moment to moment. All the while swallowing my own feelings. Why? To belong, to fit in, to be loved. Yet I have found neither. Its so hard to write this stuff but it needs to get out. I suffer it daily and the demon has just grown to great to be ignored. Its lonely here. So very lonely. I see light but feel no warmth. Am I depressed because I feel this, or do I feel this because I am depressed? I don't know anymore. Am I miserable because I want to be or is this the result of years of shit? Is this the result of abuses I have not let go? Would it be so hard for a genuine kind word sent in my direction? Anything to make me feel human. I don't want pity, I don't want people feeling bad for me. I want to be accepted for who I am. Who I am? Who am I? Doesn't matter anymore. Im nothing more then what they made of me. I am their creation, their abomination. I'll be judged for this post. They will say, "look at this, same old misery," while lacking any understanding. I am not miserable because I choose to be. I am miserable because its the only choice that was left to me. Its what you all expect. Its the role I am to play for you all. Dance you marionette. We helped create you and now we watch as you destroy yourself. 30 year I have walked this earth. 30 long and hard years full of everything from happy tender moments to dread and torture. Its life right? Its what you make of it, right? Well I didn't ask for it. Yet here I sit, typing away. Does it help? Maybe. I use to think I gave voice to those like me but who really reads this crap anyway. Nobody cares about the outpouring of my heart. So I'll attempt to sleep because its where I'm safest from the world. If only I could sleep these days. I know I do eventually, but upon waking most days feels like I hardly slept at all. I toss and turn, cant get comfortable. Why? Maybe its a physical manifestation of how I cant get comfortable in life, in my own skin. My body...I loathe this body. I loathe the laughingstock I am in this body. God I hate it. Im not even going to get into that mess of a conversation. Lets just say I believe that God has a sense of humor. I hear all the names now...I dare not repeat them. So ultimately you'll read this and say what a loser, what a miserable fuck. Its your right. I don't expect you to think anything otherwise. However, I'd challenge you to think outside of your perfect little worlds. I'd challenge you to realize that there are plenty just like me who hurt and who have suffered evils. There are people in this world who have suffered way worse then I can even imagine. Why don't you take a walk in their shoes. I dare you. You think you can handle things differently then be my guest. I will gladly trade with you. I'd love to see it but since you cant just be mindful. Im not some freak, Im not any different from you. I feel, I think, I bleed and I crave the same things everyone else in life does. I'd like to be hopeful people would understand, but the world around me has shown its true colors far too many times.

Wide awake

So it is 4:38am. I am awake and not really feeling all that great. I am really questioning why I am here? Why I even bother? Why I associate with anyone? Why waste my time, breathe, resources, care, concern? I have always since I was a kid believed I don't belong here. I have never really fit in anywhere. I tend to march to the beat of my own drum which isn't bad but it doesn't exactly win me favor either. The only time I ever seemingly matter is when someone else has a damn problem and come crying to me for advice, help, etc. I freely give it, there was a time I even enjoyed it, helping someone else. Now its really just tedious. I do it because I realize its my role to play but I certainly don't enjoy it. I don't enjoy being noticed when someone else has a problem they are to weak, stupid, helpless to figure out for themselves. Especially when their "problems" are so ridiculous. Now keep in mind I am not referring to my friends, because they I willingly give my time to when there is a need. Im talking about others. Others who I am "friends" with in accordance with their need of me. Call me up crying out of the blue after ignoring me for months and expect me to be the bigger man and hear them out. You prey upon my desire to help. You expect me to set aside what I am doing and play the role so many others in your life fail to play. Then toss me aside. I really am not your whore, or your punching bag, and I certainly am not paid to be your damn shrink. Don't come at me with your smile while deceit rots your gums. Don't look at me with those eyes that plead for compassion but fueled by selfishness. Where the hell is my reward? When is it my turn to receive something for all this nonsense I deal with? Worst of all is the backhanded insults I then suffer from these people. Do a good deed and be met with an insult? I never signed up for that. I don't know anymore. Its not worth it. I wrestle with this thought constantly. Its not worth being the better man. Its not worth being a good guy. While all these jackasses are reaping the rewards for their evil and disgusting deeds I sit alone, all fucking alone, being insulted, being alienated, being labeled. I sit alone while you judge me. You say freak, you say loser, you say nice guy BUT....there is always a fucking BUT. That's why I don't belong, I have never belonged. All this time trying to find my place in a world that doesn't want me, a world that decays, a world that I do not want either. Spare me your mockery, your illusions, your curses, your phoniness. One day you'll come crying, looking for hope and solace, one day you will cry for some type of salvation and I wont hear it. I wont care. Simply because I cant save a damn one of you nor do I desire to. You push, you suck, you take and leave nothing but the bite marks, nothing but the void. There is no reward, nothing gained for my sacrifices. So cry on. Oh what, no more laughter now? This isn't funny? You aren't amused? Well neither am I nor have I been for the longest. Take your venom elsewhere, lest I cut the head off the snake that you are. Leave me alone. Unless you intend to give back, and not simply take from me, then keep moving. I don't have time for it. I wont reach out to you, I wont waste myself on you.