Thursday, August 29, 2013
On the Outside, Hating within
The older I get the lonelier I feel. I feel a weight, a burden that I wish I didnt have to bear. I never quite fit in. I never quite matter enough. Im closed off. I do not know how to be. Who do I have to be to matter? What must I be for people to care? How do I change? Yes change. Can a man change his stars? Can leopard change his spots? The Tiger his stripes? All signs point to no. Next question. what is wrong with me? What is it that makes me so undesirable? What is it that makes me feel so? No answer, silence. This burden, these questions. I try, I do. I attempt socializing but there is a disconnect. One glance and others already have no interest. They dont see me. They see past me, they see through me. Im not even there. They wonder why I am the way I am. The cycle continues. If Im alone, if I am treated like I dont matter then how can I feel anything else? How can I be when nobody can see me. Do I merely exist only to myself? Why is there this disconnect with people? Why am I the odd ball out? Im outside and cant get in. Im not allowed in. I have been judged, labeled and the verdict is not to my liking. I try I do, sincerely, with no ill intent. Yet Im alone. Lied to, left behind. Truth is I dont want to feel this. I hate this. I want to feel anything but this. I embraced the lonliness so long ago, made it my friend. I've dwelled in the barron desert of alienization. So long ago during the most important years of my young life, I became this. I mean well I do. I try to be open but it doesnt come easy. Can I change how the world around perceives me. Maybe its time to move on. To leave this desert and find my oasis. To find a place where nobody knows me. Where I can start fresh. Perhaps its time. Time to kick the door in. To no longer be relegated as the outsider, the one who doesnt belong. Perhaps, I will find peace elsewhere. I can leave this here, in this place. This failure, this pain can sit here and I can move away. Maybe. Maybe its just a part of who I am. If all the world is a stage and we merely the players then maybe this is my role no matter where I go. Maybe I am cursed. The Possibilities seem endless but there are no concrete answers to my questions. So I think some more. Thoughts racing at the speed of light. A part of me says I dont care anymore but that is the greatest lie I can tell myself. The truth is I care way too much about this. The older I get, the heavier the burden. Its mine alone, and not by choice. Where can I go with it? The searching seems endless. Theres no easy way to plead my case. It is just perceived in the wrong way no matter what. They say I am not right and depressed but one doesnt merely wake up and say this is what I'll be. One isnt born believing he is not right, believing that something is wrong with him. No, no, that comes from outside. That comes from those around him. All of what I feel, is a byproduct of my up bringing, by surroundings. The people who destroyed me to build themselves up. Its those that I cant forgive. Its those that I hate. Just like that, there it is. Hate. I have hate in my heart. From this hate breeds everything else. Hate leads to being closed off, leading to lonliness, leading to depression. Hate for those who hurt me. Hate that there is no closure. Hate that until this very day people see fit to use me for their own ends. Hate that they left me alone. Hate that they labeled me. HATE HATE HATE! Most of all HATE that I feel this way because I deserve better then this. I want to be free. So this is my prayer because there is no soul here who can help me. If it reaches the ears of God, I dont want this anymore. I dont need this in my life blurring the way I see things. I need help. I need to let go. I need for it to no longer matter. If the hate can go, soon, I may have a chance of no longer being on the outside looking in.