Thursday, December 3, 2015

The sruggle

It has been a really long time since I have even updated this thing. So much has happened and it went by so damn quick.  I'm not sure anyone actually read this thing.  Maybe its just therapeutic that I write from time to time.  Not sure if it helps but in a weird way its like releasing the demons if that makes any sense.  this past year has been utter hell.  I have lost so much.  I've lost my job, my health, my social life, money, pretty much everything.  Maybe I overachieved all this time.  Many people when I was younger said I wouldn't make it, that I would simply take my own life.  Funny thing is I'm terrified of dying.  I have a fear of things unknown and death is the greatest of unknowns.  You never know when or how, you don't know what lies on the other side.  I believe we are eternal beings, that there is more to the human than just the biological.  we are more than flesh and blood, we are spirit as well.  I know most people don't think about it, or really care.  I simply cant look into the eyes of another human being and think there isn't a soul that makes this person unique.

Then I wonder about my own soul.  At what point did it become so jaded?  At what point did I just say to myself there is no hope for us as humans.  Was it the repeated beatings of my youth?  Was it the alienation I had felt for so long, locking myself away for summers at a time.  Was it the loss of love? Was it the taking refuge in books and video games to help me forget the pains of my reality?  Physical pains are fine, those I can deal with, but the psychological scars are a bit harder to deal with.  I carry this weight on me constantly and I think my body just reached a breaking point.  I was having intense panic attacks to the point I thought I was dying, depression to the point where I couldnt even move.  I am legitimately worried about my future.  I feel as though Im in quick sand, just slowly sinking.  Every time I think I hit bottom I see to just crash through the floor and continue to fall and Im wondering how deep can hell get.

I am in a constant war within myself.  I love and hate simultaneously.  I want to be indifferent and yet I care too damn much.  I long to feel human when all Ive been made to feel like is something less than man.  I've given up the ghost of love.  Its sad because its the only thing I want in this life.   I don't care about money or material things, none of that matters if you are alone and nobody loves you.  Love is such a funny thing.  I try to wrap my head around it logically but it really cant be understood in such a way.  I wonder about its nature within us, how people can fall in and out of love all the time.  Why does it happen?  Is it true love if you can lose it? Do people mistake what love really is?  Do they think they are in love when they are really just comfortable or lustful?  I just don't know.  I know for me, I can fall and fall hard.  Im a committed man once I know I can trust someone.  the hardest part for me is the early stages.  I am so guarded, so jaded, and I make it very difficult for people to get in.  Not that many people are trying to anyway.  I am alone, some of its my own doing and some of it is because in order to be me I cant go along with the trended that people would consider attractive or hot.  I am a sports fan,metal head  superhero nerd, gaming geek, transformers lover, Lord of the Rings, T shirt and sweats kinda guy.  Not exactly what people are looking for.  I wont compromise it though, I tried and still ended up heart broken.

So there is this girl, and she is amazing.  I already know she would be perfect, not because she is perfect but because I just can see how amazing her heart is.  I mean she is beautiful physically too but its her feistiness(is that a word,)  her heart, she is so damn funny.  Ugh, its so stupid of me, I know I'm a nobody to her but god I'd give anything. I can go on forever, I really could, I guess I'm smitten by someone who lives a million miles away.  Yup, silly, hopeless romantic Rich.  If only I could catch a break, just one time.  She makes me smile, she makes me feel human, like I actually matter.  She'll never know, never understand it and most of all probably never feel that way about me.  So its a waste right?  If she only knew though, the butterflies in my stomach just talking about it.  I feel like a kid in high school again.  Embarrassing, yes that's what I am thinking.

So thats the update.  Sorry its not more upbeat or exciting but thats my life right now.  I'm working on it, trying to get better.  Its a long slow road to recovery.  Im just thankful Im not seeking drugs or alcohol to deal with this and just compound my issues.  I believe I am strong enough to pull through, its just getting my body back into fighting form.  I have to find the will to carry on, I need a reason, I need a muse. Some people will say well you should be the reason, but obviously thats not working for me, I need something outside of me to drive me.  I need a muse, I need a reason, I need a catalyst, its what I need now more than ever.  Fuck all your self help bullshit, I know what I need.  

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