The problem with wanting

So Im awake at 3:40am on this cold thursday morning. Alone as always, in the silence that is so loud. Thoughts race through my mind, heart aching as is customary in my loneliness. I think of the things I want. No, the thing I want, which isn't fair to say because it is not a thing I want but a someone. I have heard it said there is nothing wrong with wanting but Im starting to believe that there needs to be an amendment to such a statement. There is nothing wrong with wanting so long as what you want is tangible and possible. I could want to be with a movie star and that is just foolish and thus shouldnt be sought after. However what do you do when you want something that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt would make you happy? Even if it isnt possible? You stubbornly wont give up on it. You know because your heart and mind are in agreement that this turn of events would make you happy. So what do you do? I honestly do not have an answer. Its easy to say just find something else but again you know that something else wouldnt be the thing you want most. Allow me to explain in simpler terms. Lets say there is a Masterpiece Optimus Prime out there. It is the PERFECT Optimus, the best G1 Optimus EVER MADE!(Look I dont care what you think this is my blog and this does exist by the way.) Now lets just say you didnt have the means, lets say it cost too much or you could only get it fom Japan by flying there to get it. You know in your heart that is the one you want, the only, no question, no doubt. So you say to yourself well there are other G1 Primes out there. You could get Masterpiece 01 Optimus. He is cool, but he isnt the perfect one, he isnt the best one ever made. So do you settle? Even if you know in your heart that you wont love the MP 01 as much as the Masterpiece OP in japan? I know for me I just cant do it. So what do you do when it comes to something much more important, like the love of another person? You can't make anyone love you, its the problem with wanting someone. There is never a guarantee they will love you back. Even if you had a Genie, you cant make someone love you. ( I saw Aladdin, I know the rules.) So the question still remains what to do? Will the want ever die? This isnt the best thing I have written nor does it make much sense, but it is late so forgive me. You are never truly prepared for the twists that life can throw your way. No matter how much schooling you get nobody can teach you how to deal with the fickle, rollercoaster like feelings you will develop in your lifetime. I hope the wanting will die but I know for as long as I live in wont. It is an anomaly, an x factor, something that is unexplained but just is. I hate it. Its the problem with wanting what you cant have. I can get Masterpiece prime, thats easy when its material. The problem with wanting is when you want something that cannot be bought, bargained for or predicted. When you want something as complex as love.

A bullet or a kiss

Stomach aches, muscles are tense and my head is spinning. The ignorance brings me bliss. With the bliss though there is always the hint of saddness believing that reality is just waiting to close the door in my face. Its ridiculous and my mind has done everything to seaze ccontrol of the situation. To bring a logical conclusion and finish this. Yet my eyes, ears, hopes and dreams betray my mind. My heart leads my mind astray, succumbing to the intoxicating aromas, a spell is cast. My mind is conflicted, knowing that what I am feeling is little more than an illusion of hope yet unable to stop wanting more of the drug. Its unrequited my mind screams, it doesnt exist, its a falacy, a trap...yet I cant look away. I cant stop going for it. My mind has lost control of my limbs, the body is entranced. I am no longer strong enough to resist. There is only one way for the spell to be broken, a bullet, straight to the heart. You hold the gun that can bring me freedom, that can liberate me from this prison. Please hold nothing back, if you care at all. Would do me this favor? Unless there is something to this feeling, unless this prison can become my paradise. It can only be sealed with a bullet or a kiss.

Tired ravings

In my dark I cry out. Words falling upon the deafness of the night. Nobody seems to care. The stars continue to twinkle in ignorance, the man on the moon mocking me with his contempt. I hear the whipsers of nameless faces as they cast their judgement, roars of laughter at my plight. The howls of hungry wolves who can smell blood. This wasteland bears no fruit and no drink. My lips are dry and my voice is hoarse. My body has betrayed me...aging...breaking. Its only a matter of time now. Thunder booms in the distance, chastising, disheartening. Lightning flashes, images of my failures. Then the morning comes, the sun comes to reveal all of my imperfections. It is a light that never warms but leaves me colder then the nights. Empty promises have brought me to starvation, hollow words cannot quench my thirst. Fear has bound my hands and feet so long I have forgotten their use. I lay stagnant, rotting from the inside out. The vampires I have known, suck the life from me, a husk I become. Their bites leaving marks I will never forget. Crawling through this desert like a serpent cast from paradise. Peace...just some peace...of mind, body and soul. Who truly understands the ravings of a mad man. I speak a language all my own.

Only the Lonely

So, Im sitting here awake, its almost 5AM. Another sleepless night alone. I have always found it extremely unfair that the one area that has been lacking in my life is the love of a significant other. It is seemingly something very hard to come by. There are many factors to this. I for one am a picky guy, but I just know what I like. This goes for what I like physically and personally about a person. I have never been nor will I ever be in it just to score a piece of ass. I want a connection, both physically and emotionally and just a whole package. So yes I am picky because I dont feel like I should just settle for what is there. Secondly, I know that according to the world and what is considered "hot" I am lacking in that department. No, I dont think Im ugly, far from it. I think I am a handsome guy however I know we are all judged upon what society deems attractive. I mean back renaissance all these skinny women walking around would be considered ugly right? So I will never be a Brad Pitt, or some guido jerk with sixpack abs. So what? Yet thats the reality of things. Third and probably the most terrible part of it all is my severe ack of "game" as they call it. I just dont have game. I can hold a conversation sure, may even be funny but somewhere along the way I just lose it. It stinks. Why am I writing this? I was in a relationship and was hurt. Sure that happened. However after a year of being single of being single and everyone around me in relationships Im getting the itch again. I miss the butterflies. I miss the having someone care about you. I miss waking up and looking forward to hearing the voice of the one you love. Yet the only voices I hear these days aside from my friends and family are the voices in my head. The ones that keep me up at night. Im getting older, almost 30. It be nice for things to start coming together. Yet we are created to want to love someone. Its woven into our DNA. Im sure I could be out there "scoring" with women if I wanted to. Its just never something that I wanted. I want love. Ugh I want to slap myself for typing this whole thing. Yet there it is, behind this rough extrerior is a teddy bear. Before I die I would like to get married and have kids of my own. Thats another thing I have been thinking about. I want to have a child, preferably a son but ya know its out of my hands. There was a time when I kind of sneered at the idea but now its creeping up on me. I see kids with their parents and I want that. What the hell is happening to me? I am a moosh. Laying here in my mooshiness, alone. When I was younger I would say I'll never love anyone because it makes you weak and vulnerable. Yet, I find that love can do those things and so much more. You must make yourself a little bit vulnerable in order to love. I have spent a year building walls around my heart and mocking those around me who are in love. I have had my cannons raised against any and all notions o relationships. I am waging a war I cannot win. I am lowering the cannons, the gates are slowly opening. Im ready to hopefully one day end my sleepless nights alone.

To beard or not to beard

So the big news in my life is that I shaved my goatee off. Yes I'll give you a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor...
Ok. Yes so the obvious question is why? Well honestly I've had it for about ten years. I decided to mix things up. I gave it a final hurrah and let it grow pretty long. There are pics on my facebook. Then I chopped it off and realized I have a butt on my chin. Yes I have a small cleft in my chin. Immediately I regretted my decision. At that moment I said I'm growing it back. After cooling down, I decided lets go a week without it. I have to say I'm glad I did.

Honestly I think my face looks better with the facial hair. However I was shocked at how many good comments I've been getting. People kept telling me how young I look. I felt great. Now granted 90% of these people are men but I'm sure the ladies will come around. (I hope lol.) Truth is I also feel younger, more motivated. Motivated to watch what I eat and get in better shape. Motivated to play hockey again. People are telling me how much more jovial I am. I feel it. Could my beard have been binding me? Nah I don't believe that stuff. However I believe the act of shaving it had some impact. Sending a message to myself that things need to change for me to be better. I think this year is going to be a good one. If this is the last year of existence I'm glad I'm feeling great about it.

2012...the end?

So it is the year 2012. The last year in the Mayan calendar. I have to say I'm a bit disappointed. I mean I was always lead to believe the future or the new millennium would bring flying cars and of course the crash landing of alien robotic life forms. Yet alas to my dismay neither has happened. Although there have been crazy advances in technology as far as cellphones, computers and tablets go so not a total loss. Before you know it we will have chips inside of us which kind of creeps me out. the whole mark of the beast, pretty sure it says it will be inside us and we wont be able to buy or sell without it. However that also ensures a one way trip to hell. Decisions, decisions. Luckily that hasn't happened yet.

So whats the point of this rant. Well if in fact the Mayans happened to pull a rabbit out of a hat and are correct well then this is it. It puts things in perspective when we know the end is coming. I know this is going to sound like doom and gloom but I think people need to think more about our inevitable end. Its always there, the giant gorilla in the room. Its around every corner and does not discriminate. I find myself dwelling on it. So here is what normally happens when I think of it. OVERWHELMING FEAR!!!! My goodness. Now if you know me at all you would know change is horrifying to me. I am very much a creature of habit and I like to move at my own pace. However, death is all of the things I hate. Its unexpected, its sudden, its the great unknown. To quote Shakespeare,"The undiscovered Country, from whose born, No Traveller returns, Puzzles the will." I think that about sums up the vast majority of my fear. I don't know what to expect and its my greatest anxiety in life.

I will not lie, I fear death. I do not look forward to it. That is my initial reaction. However it has changed somewhat in recent weeks. I have come to accept that I will die. that's a step in the right direction. So if I am to die, what will I do with my time here? Furthermore, I believing the soul eternal, what can I do to ensure life beyond this corporeal flesh is paradise? Funny thing is the answer is nothing. Oh sure, I try to live right, I don't do drugs, I haven't physically murdered anyone, I try my best to be honest. However that's not enough. I have committed a great multitude of sin. Yes I'm calling it sin. Its my blog and I'll do as I wish. Which brings me to whats been going on with me.

The only peace i can ever have in death and the end is knowing that my sins can be forgiven by a very loving and forgiving God. (Oh no here comes the religious rant) I'm not trying to ram anything down any ones throat. I'm just sharing what I have been feeling and experiencing. We sin, we ALL do. You don't have to believe the sky is blue but that doesn't change the fact that its blue. A truth is absolution and when I look at the world and its corruption it all points to man and our nature to sin. Yet there is an answer while we are alive, God who has provided us a way to be washed clean for the rest of our days. I never truly understood this until I strayed away and did things I thought I would never do. things I at one point said I would never do. I feel as though lately when looking at death, yes I fear it, but I also have hope again. I have hope that in my end I will be welcomed into the loving arms of a God who can forgive me. That if I hold true to my faith and do my best not to sin I have a chance. Yet there in lies the beauty of what I'm saying. I will sin. Its in my nature to, I will fall short, I will miss the mark. Yet grace is always there, forgiveness is always there.

"Come now, let us reason together," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool." (Isaiah 1:18) You see I dwell on this more and more every day. As I do I am finding my peace with death and dying. I know its not for everyone even though I wish it were. However, this is what I meditate on, this is what I am finding hope in. I am not afraid to dwell on death so much anymore. I still fear it and it scares me to think how it might happen. Yet again, I have hope that in my weakness God is stronger. I only hope to become better and better as my life goes on however long that may be. Death, 2012...the end? No, its only the beginning.

New Experiments

Hello all. It is I, Rich once again here with a new blog. Now this one isn't going to be some deep blog or anything. It is basically to inform those who care whats going on in 2012. I have decided to try to make money on my blogging and youtube videos. Although youtube is going to be a rough go because I need the views in order to become a partner. So I have decided to blog more about, video games, my extensive transformers collection and current events and stuff like that. Of course leaving room for myself should the creative juices get flowing to just write. Now, I know I am not some great writer, video person or whatever but I am asking for some help. It costs you nothing, well ok maybe a few minutes. You can read my blog, check out my youtube channel which I will be working on from here on out. There will be ads, yes those dreaded ads. You click them and I can make some money. So yes this is me begging in a blog haha. Seriously though if you all could be that awesome to me and pass it along to friends and what not that be great. Feel free to check out past blogs and again check out my youtube channel, www.youtube.com/prime6783 for video content. Thanks again everyone. God bless.