Monday, January 18, 2016

Only the Lonely

So I am trying to acclimate to life out in Pennsylvania.  Its been a bit of a culture shock coming from NYC which is loud, teeming with life to the quiet, nothingness of PA.  Its beautiful don't get me wrong.  However the move hasn't provided any relief to my ever growing list of aches and pains.  I have since coming up here had to deal with Headaches, vertigo like symptoms which are terrifying when it happens.  The idea that you are no longer in control of your balance is the worst feeling.  Yet there is an even worse feeling that has crept in over the last few days.  Loneliness.

I don't know many people out here.  I don't own a car as of yet so I am bound to the house.  No job yet to go to, which would at least help in meeting new people.  So I am just kind of in a limbo really.  I am desperately seeking some type of companionship.  So I take to the Internet, going to different twitch streams just trying to find people to talk to.  Its sad.  I am very lonely.  In some ways I don't think I have ever been more alone.

I have never really been great at forging relationships with people.  Most of the time when I try to be friendly with people for whatever reason they aren't interested.  Its a phenomena I simply have no way of explaining or understanding. Other people don't even have to try, people just throw themselves at them.  I have not been very good at getting anyone to even want to talk to me.  I never understood if it was an aesthetic thing, people just don't like the way I look.  Maybe they don't like the way I talk or dress.  Maybe people just don't like me.  Maybe, I just have never belonged anywhere.

It is no secret that I suck at this whole living life thing.  I have failed.  I have failed in relationships, friendships, jobs, family, every area of life you can think of, I have failed.  So it makes sense why I am alone I guess.  Nobody wants to know a complete and utter failure.  Nobody can love such a person.  Nobody will care when I am gone.  I left a state and nobody cares.  I can't imagine it would be any different when I am dead.  I probably wont have kids of my own.  I am 32 and can't get a woman to talk to me, let alone want to marry me and start a family.  Its all fitting, someone like me, a failure like me, doesn't deserve to have the things everyone else has.  How could I ever ask someone to love me?  How could I expect anyone to be able to?  It is sad, and I get sadder by the day.  The headaches get worse, and I just don't want to go on.  I am so very alone.  God, please have mercy on this soul.  Please.  Before I go, could I just know that special love that so many have, that so many take for granted or abuse.  I'd kill for the loneliness to go away.  Make it go away.  Could you love me that much, could you be Gods hand and touch my heart?

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