Well its been a bit since I have written. No surprise there as I am never good at keeping to a schedule of anything really. However this also has to do with some major changes that have happened over the last 3 weeks. I have a confession to make, I think deep down inside I was trying to kill myself. Where to begin? I guess it started about two years ago. I became obsessed with the notion that I was going to die. No real reason for it, but I started believing every time I was sick that something was severely wrong with me. I was honestly believing I had cancer. I was and still am having things happen to my body that are just strange, sometimes painful and yet nobody can seem to figure out the cause. I have been pricked and prodded, I have had cameras in both ends, needles, been shocked a bunch of other tests and they all seem to come back normal. Yet I still feel sick, not myself, unable to move. I was having panic attacks on top of all this. Ultimately this would cost me my job.
In March of 2015 for the first time in my life I was fired. The panic only got worse. I spent the first week or so just laying in bed. The anxiety was too much, I was unable to move. I couldn't go outside without feeling dizzy, like I was going to fall over and die. I couldn't get on a train to go to meetings that were suppose to appeal my firing. I could no longer function, and yet every blood test comes back normal. I managed to get myself unemployment which bought me some time to feel somewhat normal. However I had resigned myself to the fact that my life would never be normal again. I accepted that I will never be able to do the things I use to, never again. I couldn't, my body reached its limit. I knew I was in pain, unable to function and having no answers I wanted it to end. Funny thing about wanting to die and fearing death is where it leaves you. I couldn't kill myself because I am terrified of death and its uncertainty. So I decided I would just rot. I wasn't showering, didn't clean up around the apartment anymore. I ignored friends and family. I never left the house if only to get something to eat. I was living like a zombie where the only reason I would wake up was to feed. I took refuge in my video games as the only means of escaping the pains. I was just waiting patiently for it all to end. I gave up. which lead me to the Sunday before Christmas.
I was dead asleep when there was a knocking on my door, my windows, my phone ringing off the hook. It was my dad and stepmother and they basically came to get me out of my home. I was reluctant really, this disturbance was unwanted. So I packed a sack full of clothes, grabbed my laptop and off I went to Pennsylvania to stay with my parents. It was nice to not spend Christmas alone which was ultimately what would have happened. I have been here since, kind of stir crazy because they live in the middle of nowhere and I as a city boy am not use to this. Of course coming out here hasn't been a solution as of yet. I cant run from myself, from my own mind. Upon coming up here I have been dealing with dizzy spells, a new one in my ever growing list of symptoms. Already have taken trips to the local hospital because I really thought I was going to die. Again, poked and prodded but no clear cut diagnosis, vertigo they tell me. It has since somewhat gone away but I still notice it. Just another inconvenience in a life full of them I suppose.
My anxiety hasn't subsided. There are more questions than ever, decisions to be made. The first being if I would move out here permanently. As it is, I have no money left, I am broke, and in quite a lot of debt. As a matter of fact my phone only rings because credit companies are trying to get money from me. Then there is the concern over my brother who I have been living with, but obviously if I move what will happen to him? Where will he go? It weighs upon me. I feel terrible but I am out of options. If I stay in Brooklyn, I will die, no questions about that. I feel like death, I'm extremely unhappy about life. So I think a change would be good. To go somewhere the burden could be lessened should help. However there are still so many more questions. I need to find a job. I need to pay off all this debt. I need to be able to function in order to get a job. I need to get some type of medical evaluation to try and discover what exactly is the problem. Counseling will have to continue especially since I'm on medication. So its just a lot more stress. Do I stay in the cesspool I know or try something else? Do I dare to make the changes no matter how hard it may be? I am in a hole for sure, but can I find the strength to crawl out of it? I have already broken down up here. I am afraid, unsure of the future. It only upset me even more to think about.
I am 32, unemployed, broke, living with his parents. Life couldn't seem any more of a failure at this point. I look around, all my friends are married, or engaged, having kids, careers, buying homes and I am doing nothing. I am so far behind. Love I cant even stand to think of it. I have decided that area is done for. Even if I am to pick myself out of the muck and mire I don't ever see myself being with anyone. For whatever reason I am just not good enough for the ladies. Haven't figured it out really and its a riddle I am tired of coming back to. Time to let the ghost of love go and torture me no more. So what do I live for then? I have no woman, no job, no nothing. So I have to try to live for me. Do I love myself enough to soldier on? I cant answer that question. Sometimes I love myself, sometimes I hate myself. Often I wish I was someone else and other times I cant imagine being anyone else. The war, the illness, its all me, its all in my head. The life I have always dreamed of is impossible because I am broken. Broken beyond repair, I will never be perfect, never. I will never be whole, never be secure, never be fine. I have to struggle for the tiniest of things that everyone takes for granted. How I long to wake up one morning and not feel anything, and go about my day motivated and thankful for it. Those days are so long ago, I have forgotten what it means to be alive.
So here I am at a crossroads. Maybe this decision saves my life, maybe it simply delays the inevitable. Maybe nothing comes of it and I struggle just as much, This is all scary to me. Change frightens me. I am very much a creature of habit and I enjoy knowing, I enjoy having a plan and sticking to it. I have none of that now, there is no security, no certainty and thats all I long for. I need stability, a place to calmly rest my head at night free from the noises in my head. Change. I'd like to think I cant fall any lower, that I have finally hit the bottom. Only time will tell. God, fates, time, change, please be good to me this once. I'd give anything to have any semblance of life again. To be free, alive, warm and loving again. All the things you cant put a price on. I'd give it all away, everything I own, just to feel that again before I am dead. Hope, that terrible illusion is all I have left. Everything around me is strange and different, and as beaten as I am, hope still remains.