Its a weird feeling I have been feeling. I feel betrayed sure. I feel as though I have been taken for a fool, absolutely. Worst of all I feel abandoned. I have had a hard time with being left. My whole life I feel I have been abandoned. They say security starts in the home. I never had that when I was young. I believe this is where it all began. I come from a broken home. My parents divorced when I was young. Yes I know its happening all over. In my case however it has left a scar that I do not believe has healed. Over the course of my life I have forged friendships and even believed I was loved once or twice. Yet each time it has ended the same way. I have been left alone. I can't imagine many people understanding this, to most I probably sound foolish. Yet it is an area I struggle with. I've never been good enough for someone to just stick around. I don't really understand it. I'm sure I've done the same to others and it is terrible. Nothing hurts more however than the feeling of being abandoned by someone you love and who loved you too. I guess I just have to suck it up right. Be a man and deal, tough luck kid. However I'm just tired of it. I'm drained and left to try to pick myself up again and soldier on. I really don't want to though. I don't want to feel this. I don't want to have to pick up the pieces. Yet I have no choice. This is how one becomes bitter. When you never had the choice. When people manipulated you and took advantage. When they lie and rape you of your own will. When you never have the choice to actually avoid the land mines.
Its one of my favorite holidays and I feel no joy. I feel only pain. I feel like my life spark was taken. Sure I won't feel this forever but this one hurts. I've tried to keep it all inside like I've done so many times before but I can't swallow this one. Not again, not any more. Then the anger sets in. The rage, the wanting vengeance. Until all these feelings well up into a storm, a terrible violent storm and I'm thrashed around, caught in the winds of change, the eye of the storm, the cruel wheels of fate. Restless and without peace until the storm fades. Then once I have landed I will begin construction. The walls will be higher. They will be fortified. There will be guns at the ready to take down any who trespass. Its safe there until the cycle undoubtedly begins again.