Another year older

So our over achieving life has made another year, 34.  Sadly there really isn't much to show for it.  Looking back on everything and I'm no better.  I know what the statistics say, I know I'm not suppose to succeed given the circumstances of my life.  The numbers say I won't make it.  What scares me even more is the numbers say I'll die by my own hand.  That I'm just one really bad day away from snapping.  Funny thing about me is I don't lash out at others, everything is internalized.   I lash myself, pulling out my flail and whipping myself into a bloody pulp, figuratively speaking of course.

34, half way to the end assuming I live the normal average life span.  What to show for it? Nothing.   It's all meaningless anyway.   I wasn't suppose to live this long and it's as if I just don't know what to do with myself.   It's always there,  reminding me,  willing me to put an end to the suffering.   The pain of waking up everyday,  my body hurts and I can feel it getting weaker daily.   Walking,  lifting,  moving,  a step slower,  and the aches never end.   I'd give anything to be 18 again.

Then there is the loneliness and that bothers me more than any nagging knee pain.   I'm aware that I'm not the easiest to love,  I've built up so many walls to protect myself after years of abuse.   I realize that once my parents are gone I'll literally have not a single soul who will give a shit about me.   Just another reason,  egging me on into oblivion.   I just haven't figured out why.  I didn't ask for any of this,  the poverty,  the abuse,  the loneliness,  the pains,  the anguish,  the fear,  all of it.   I say all this and it's not pity I want,  it's something greater than that,  something real.  

34 years of failing at life, at love, at everything.  I sit alone at night and think and dream about a life I'll never have.  The good job, the girl of my dreams, the children  I'd adore and it's all just that a dream.  Time is just cutting away, life string after life string cut.  The realization,  it's just too much to take in sometimes.   So I'll do everything to hide it,  I'll laugh and I'll put on a show in public and go home no richer than I was before.   I'll go home to my dark,  my empty space and I'll shed tears nobody will ever see.   Within those tears I'll drown gasping for air of a life worth living.   Death,  just waits,  dangling his gift as a release,  as salvation for the weary.   I wonder how much longer can I fight it.   How much longer until I end up like Chris Cornell,  in a bathroom alone.

That's what rattled me the most about his death,  he has it all,  money,  family,  looks,  a talent I would kill for and yet it wasn't enough to keep him here.   I don't have one tenth of that,  so what the hell is keeping me here?   Am I worth it?   How quickly I would exchange my life with one of this children aborted,  that they might make better use of it than I, how I wish I could be so...

What will keep me going when all I love are gone?  I don't know.  I may never know, maybe I'm not meant to know because I'm not meant to be here. Maybe the story never got this far and I'm just wadding through blank pages of a book that was suppose to be finished chapters ago.  Take up the pen and write my own story you say?  I wouldn't know where to start because I've tried my way and have been left with nothing.  I am not capable of authoring a happy ending.  Statistically there is but one outcome be it now for another 30 years from now, one I fight every day of my existence.  I do not want to be another statistic,  another lost soul.  

So I peer into the fog of my life, walking, crawling, to the other side not knowing why.  Hoping that one day this life will bestow me with something worth living for, something to fight for, to even die for.  The odds are against me,  the world is against me,  those around me are against me,  my heart and mind are against me,  so it is to God that I seek to fight for me.   It is by His will alone I'm  able to walk  this day. He is the only hope I have,  may it never be any other way.   Were He to leave, there would be nothing,  a complete void.   Another year,  more searching,  more hope,  more love than the previous is all I want.   May it be...

Frustration

So here we are again, another Spring season rolls in and I feel the same as I always do, alone.  This time though instead of self pity or depression I am angry and fed up.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  That's the question I want answered.  What the fuck makes me unworthy of the one and only thing I want out of this life?  No seriously, I am tired of going on Facebook and seeing everyone else throwing their love story out there.  I am tired of being the fucking president of the Friend Zone.  I am tired of being the good guy only to have my heart trampled upon.  I'm tired of observing assholes men get women and not even appreciate the woman they are with going so far as the cheat on them regularly.   If I hear from a female one more time that I am a great guy and will make someone happy one day I might just commit murder.  If one more person asks me why I'm single or feels the need to remind me that I'm not getting any younger.   Ya know what I have no fucking idea why I'm single.  Maybe ask any girl I have ever liked who thought I wasn't good enough for them and they can give you the answer because I have no fucking idea.  While your at it ask them why they got with scumbags a, b and c and still wouldn't give me a shot.  This is years of frustration just exploding.  I am tired of playing second fiddle, tired of being treated as if I don't exist.  So what us the solution?  Maybe just be a dock.  Maybe say all the right things just to get into a girls pants and then bounce.  Maybe I should just stop actually caring about someone and just say fuck it and treat them all like pieces of meat.  Maybe then I'll get something, some reaction.  All I know is I'm beyond angry that other people get what I crave and so easily and don't even cherish it.  Ooh and to the females I am absolutely tired of your lies.  Don't be nice to me to save my feelings in some vanity bullshit.   Don't you dare string me along because you like the attention and yet have zero desire to be with me.  Don't you dare tell me you care about me when you only care about what I can do for you.  I've been through it all and I've heard EVERY LIE imaginable.  Fuck you.  The truth is you don't deserve me, yes for the fucking first time in my life I put myself on the fucking pedestal.  I am better than that shit for brains you date, I am better than his money or his ride but you'll never know  although I'm sure I'm going to hear about how unhappy you are, FUCK YOU.  Save it for Oprah!  From now on if I don't get the love and respect I deserve or if I suspect you of being shady you are gone, fuck off.  I'm not going to go that extra mile for you when you wouldn't even move a muscle for me, fuck you.  This is what you want isn't it?  You want a "man" right?   Ya know someone who just wants to fuck you whenever he wants and bail when you really need him.  Oh better yet why not go fuck a married dude because fuck anyone else out there who you may hurt with your selfish lust.  I have seen and heard it all, I've been lied to, bullshitted, cheated on, dumped via Facebook etc.  Yet ya know what makes me better than anyone you will ever know, my capacity to love,  100%, never begging for a raincheck.  Despite all the shit I have had to endure I know in my heart that when I meet that one and only she will have all of me, I will love her like nothing else in the world exists,  because I know I can.  I know how to treat a woman, how to be a man who will edify her, support her, make her laugh, hold her when she needs it, I KNOW I AM THAT MAN!  For all of you who think I am not worth shit, a final fuck you.  The loss is ultimately yours.

I'm Ready

It makes no logical sense the matters of the heart.  How we can be captivated by another person so much so that they haunt our dreams.  That at the mere sight of them the whole world around us melts away. Nothing else matters when your eyes meet theirs, your problems,your aches and pains all disappear in sweet release.  When you are away from them, you miss them like the flowers miss the rain in the dry heat of summer.  Everywhere you go you see them or long to see them.  The anticipation of hearing their voice or feeling their soft touch keeps you going.  You hang on for dear life for another day just to see them again because the thought of a life without them would be torture.  My mind wages this endless war against my heart, rationality says none of this is sensical.  In the end you will just end up hurt like you always do.  So many times before I have let my mind win out but this time, I don't want to believe the caution in my mind.  I just want to feel again, I want that excitement in my life again.  I want my heart to be free to love again, to no longer be bound in its cage.  My mind would have me believe I am protecting myself but all I have done is stop living.  If this is all the love my spirit can give then there is no reason to live anymore.  Its been a long time, lonely, dark, and cold, alone in my castle of ice.  Now I see the sun, but I am reserved.  Is it just a mere illusion?  Could she be the one who breaks the chains that have held me locked away?  I won't know for sure unless I am willing to open up again to the possibility of being hurt or the possibility that I may find that which my heart has longed for, the only thing I seek in a fallen world.  All the riches in the world could not compare to knowing the love of another, to be gifted another persons heart.  To have that which so many around me take for granted.  Fools all of them!  What I wouldn't give...  

Just once before my number is up...
To be free to love again...  
To find that heart that will complete me, that will make me whole.  The search continues, come hell or high water, through valleys and over hills.  I think I am ready to just let go and allow myself to care, to love again.  

Only the Lonely

So I am trying to acclimate to life out in Pennsylvania.  Its been a bit of a culture shock coming from NYC which is loud, teeming with life to the quiet, nothingness of PA.  Its beautiful don't get me wrong.  However the move hasn't provided any relief to my ever growing list of aches and pains.  I have since coming up here had to deal with Headaches, vertigo like symptoms which are terrifying when it happens.  The idea that you are no longer in control of your balance is the worst feeling.  Yet there is an even worse feeling that has crept in over the last few days.  Loneliness.

I don't know many people out here.  I don't own a car as of yet so I am bound to the house.  No job yet to go to, which would at least help in meeting new people.  So I am just kind of in a limbo really.  I am desperately seeking some type of companionship.  So I take to the Internet, going to different twitch streams just trying to find people to talk to.  Its sad.  I am very lonely.  In some ways I don't think I have ever been more alone.

I have never really been great at forging relationships with people.  Most of the time when I try to be friendly with people for whatever reason they aren't interested.  Its a phenomena I simply have no way of explaining or understanding. Other people don't even have to try, people just throw themselves at them.  I have not been very good at getting anyone to even want to talk to me.  I never understood if it was an aesthetic thing, people just don't like the way I look.  Maybe they don't like the way I talk or dress.  Maybe people just don't like me.  Maybe, I just have never belonged anywhere.

It is no secret that I suck at this whole living life thing.  I have failed.  I have failed in relationships, friendships, jobs, family, every area of life you can think of, I have failed.  So it makes sense why I am alone I guess.  Nobody wants to know a complete and utter failure.  Nobody can love such a person.  Nobody will care when I am gone.  I left a state and nobody cares.  I can't imagine it would be any different when I am dead.  I probably wont have kids of my own.  I am 32 and can't get a woman to talk to me, let alone want to marry me and start a family.  Its all fitting, someone like me, a failure like me, doesn't deserve to have the things everyone else has.  How could I ever ask someone to love me?  How could I expect anyone to be able to?  It is sad, and I get sadder by the day.  The headaches get worse, and I just don't want to go on.  I am so very alone.  God, please have mercy on this soul.  Please.  Before I go, could I just know that special love that so many have, that so many take for granted or abuse.  I'd kill for the loneliness to go away.  Make it go away.  Could you love me that much, could you be Gods hand and touch my heart?

Turn and face the strange

Well its been a bit since I have written.  No surprise there as I am never good at keeping to a schedule of anything really.  However this also has to do with some major changes that have happened over the last 3 weeks.  I have a confession to make, I think deep down inside I was trying to kill myself.  Where to begin?  I guess it started about two years ago.  I became obsessed with the notion that I was going to die.  No real reason for it, but I started believing every time I was sick that something was severely wrong with me.  I was honestly believing I had cancer.  I was and still am having things happen to my body that are just strange, sometimes painful and yet nobody can seem to figure out the cause.  I have been pricked and prodded, I have had cameras in both ends, needles, been shocked a bunch of other tests and they all seem to come back normal.  Yet I still feel sick, not myself, unable to move.  I was having panic attacks on top of all this.  Ultimately this would cost me my job.

 In March of 2015 for the first time in my life I was fired.  The panic only got worse.  I spent the first week or so just laying in bed.  The anxiety was too much, I was unable to move.  I couldn't go outside without feeling dizzy, like I was going to fall over and die.  I couldn't get on a train to go to meetings that were suppose to appeal my firing.  I could no longer function, and yet every blood test comes back normal.  I managed to get myself unemployment which bought me some time to feel somewhat normal.  However I had resigned myself to the fact that my life would never be normal again.  I accepted that I will never be able to do the things I use to, never again.  I couldn't, my body reached its limit.  I knew I was in pain, unable to function and having no answers I wanted it to end. Funny thing about wanting to die and fearing death is where it leaves you.  I couldn't kill myself because I am terrified of death and its uncertainty.  So I decided I would just rot. I wasn't showering, didn't clean up around the apartment anymore. I ignored friends and family. I never left the house if only to get something to eat.  I was living like a zombie where the only reason I would wake up was to feed.  I took refuge in my video games as the only means of escaping the pains.  I was just waiting patiently for it all to end.  I gave up.  which lead me to the Sunday before Christmas.

I was dead asleep when there was a knocking on my door, my windows, my phone ringing off the hook.  It was my dad and stepmother and they basically came to get me out of my home.  I was reluctant really, this disturbance was unwanted.  So I packed a sack full of clothes, grabbed my laptop and off I went to Pennsylvania to stay with my parents.  It was nice to not spend Christmas alone which was ultimately what would have happened.  I have been here since, kind of stir crazy because they live in the middle of nowhere and I as a city boy am not use to this.  Of course coming out here hasn't been a solution as of yet.  I cant run from myself, from my own mind.  Upon coming up here I have been dealing with dizzy spells, a new one in my ever growing list of symptoms. Already have taken trips to the local hospital because I really thought I was going to die.  Again, poked and prodded but no clear cut diagnosis, vertigo they tell me.  It has since somewhat gone away but I still notice it.  Just another inconvenience in a life full of them I suppose.

My anxiety hasn't subsided.  There are more questions than ever, decisions to be made.  The first being if I would move out here permanently.  As it is, I have no money left, I am broke, and in quite a lot of debt.  As a matter of fact my phone only rings because credit companies are trying to get money from me. Then there is the concern over my brother who I have been living with, but obviously if I move what will happen to him?  Where will he go?  It weighs upon me.  I feel terrible but I am out of options. If I stay in Brooklyn, I will die, no questions about that.  I feel like death, I'm extremely unhappy about life.  So I think a change would be good.  To go somewhere the burden could be lessened should help.  However there are still so many more questions.  I need to find a job.  I need to pay off all this debt.  I need to be able to function in order to get a job.  I need to get some type of medical evaluation to try and discover what exactly is the problem.  Counseling will have to continue especially since I'm on medication.  So its just a lot more stress.  Do I stay in the cesspool I know or try something else?  Do I dare to make the changes no matter how hard it may be?  I am in a hole for sure, but can I find the strength to crawl out of it?  I have already broken down up here.  I am afraid, unsure of the future.  It only upset me even more to think about.

I am 32, unemployed, broke, living with his parents.  Life couldn't seem any more of a failure at this point.  I look around, all my friends are married, or engaged, having kids, careers, buying homes and I am doing nothing.  I am so far behind.  Love I cant even stand to think of it.  I have decided that area is done for.  Even if I am to pick myself out of the muck and mire I don't ever see myself being with anyone.  For whatever reason I am just not good enough for the ladies.  Haven't figured it out really and its a riddle I am tired of coming back to.  Time to let the ghost of love go and torture me no more. So what do I live for then?  I have no woman, no job, no nothing.  So I have to try to live for me.  Do I love myself enough to soldier on?  I cant answer that question.  Sometimes I love myself, sometimes I hate myself.  Often I wish I was someone else and other times I cant imagine being anyone else.  The war, the illness, its all me, its all in my head.  The life I have always dreamed of is impossible because I am broken.  Broken beyond repair, I will never be perfect, never.  I will never be whole, never be secure, never be fine.  I have to struggle for the tiniest of things that everyone takes for granted.  How I long to wake up one morning and not feel anything, and go about my day motivated and thankful for it.  Those days are so long ago, I have forgotten what it means to be alive.

So here I am at a crossroads.  Maybe this decision saves my life, maybe it simply delays the inevitable.  Maybe nothing comes of it and I struggle just as much,  This is all scary to me.  Change frightens me.  I am very much a creature of habit and I enjoy knowing, I enjoy having a plan and sticking to it.  I have none of that now, there is no security, no certainty and thats all I long for.  I need stability, a place to calmly rest my head at night free from the noises in my head.  Change.  I'd like to think I cant fall any lower, that I have finally hit the bottom.  Only time will tell.  God, fates, time, change, please be good to me this once.  I'd give anything to have any semblance of life again.  To be free, alive, warm and loving again.  All the things you cant put a price on.  I'd give it all away, everything I own, just to feel that again before I am dead.  Hope, that terrible illusion is all I have left.  Everything around me is strange and different, and as beaten as I am, hope still remains.    

My heart is heavy

We are only helpless because we are heartless.  I often wonder what my life would be if things were different.  What if I was born into a rich family?  What if I was popular?  What if I had it all?  Would I be better than I am now?  Would I suffer so?  I'll never know sadly.  I like to think that I am the man I am today for a reason.  That there has to be some purpose to my life.  I just haven't found that purpose.  Purpose is what is driving me, I want, no I NEED to find that purpose.  I NEED to find that vision of me that I can be proud of and make it a reality.  I just feel like time is running out.  I am 32, half way to the grave, if I'm granted the normal life expectancy that is.  I just feel this pressure to figure things out and then the helplessness sets in.  I don't know where to go.  My heart is really heavy.  Its a major source of anxiety in my life.  Time cuts like a knife.  What am I here for?  What am I able to do?

Sadly, nothing seems to be the answer.  Everything I touch, every relationship I try to build turns to dust between my fingers.  A source of my depression.  Where do I go and what do I do?  So I write so that when I am dead and gone my words and ideas can live on.  So I can be immortal in the cyber world.  That maybe I won't be forgotten.  That maybe I can save a soul with my experiences.  Lord knows I have persevered.  I feel old though, I feel weak.  Every day the will to open my eyes gets tougher.  The meds I am taking, I am not sure they are helping.  I can't believe I have become reliant on a pill to get me through the day.  I use to think I was strong, unbreakable, then it happened.  The chest pains, the shortness of breath, the panic, the static, the fear.  A lifetimes worth of shit, pain, sadness, loneliness, alienation seemingly screaming forth from every pore of my body.  It had nowhere else to go, I couldn't swallow it anymore.  I couldn't entertain the demons anymore.  So now I am here, hoping for a miracle.  Hoping that one day it will all go away and I could resume normal living.

Its a helpless hope.  I have to keep fighting, I have to do whatever it takes to survive.  Maybe my purpose is to ride out the storm, to prove to the world and myself that I can in fact overcome.  That I am not the loser people foretold of, I am not.  I am more than anyone thought I could be.  Maybe my purpose is to conquer my demons.  Maybe my tale will be one of triumph against a world which hates me.  No longer will I be silent in my anguish.  May I be a voice in the silence, a light in the darkness, a beacon of hope in the void of despair.  This is my purpose.  Together, we can conquer anything.

Karma? Whats that?

People like to talk about karma.  They like to say good things happen to good people.  They like to say you get what you deserve.  Then I live in an upside down kingdom.  Innocence is crushed, lives are destroyed, good people suffer while the criminals and fat cats yuck it up on the finest the world has to offer.  Then you are going to look me in the eyes and say karma.  Let me tell you something about me, I am not an amazing person.  I am no a saint by any stretch of the imagination but I try to live by a moral and ethical code of honor if you will.  I try, to be good to people, to my friends, to complete strangers.  why?  Because we are all people, we all have feelings, we are all fucked up in some way.  I am not better than anyone else.  Yet I have been repeatedly made to feel that for all of my trying I am constantly getting the rug pulled out from under me.  Its as if what ever cosmic forces are out there get their kicks by shitting on my life.  Then they tell me Karma.

Here is the real truth people, karma doesn't exist.  Bad things and good things can happen to all types of people be they bad or good.  More often than not good people, nice people get the shit end of the stick  Nice guys finish last?  Exactly.  I find myself being very angry lately.  Angry at the world, the people around me, and myself.  I ask myself every day why I am the way I am.  Why I choose to be this way, or live with these standards when there has been no reward in it.  You want to know my reward?  Loneliness, alienation, sadness, anxiety, depression, just to name a few of my closest friends as of late.  The worst part about all of it is nobody seems to get it.  Nobody seems to truly understand why someone like me feels this way.  Why does every relationship I come across turns to ashes?  Why despite my sincerest efforts my hands destroy everything?  I just don't know.

I am not trying to say good things and good people don't exist, that would be stupid.  What I am trying to say is stop with this karma nonsense.  It doesn't matter how good you think you are, bad things will happen in your life.  For some, bad things will happen more so than others.  Lucky for me I seem to be in the bad things all the time club.  Yet I soldier on, I carry my anger with me because it has nowhere else to go.  I try again to hold myself to a higher standard, to buck the trends and NOT be anyone else but me.  That has brought me here, to this place.  For better or worse, I can't compromise who I am or what I believe.  It is those beliefs, those standards that define who I am, that dictate most o my actions.  I am not perfect, never will be, but I try.  Just please don't come at me with that karma nonsense.  Karma is a bitch just not in the way people think.

This is a short one today. I have had a lot going on personally, with family and myself and there are some big changes coming.  I will admit, I'm frightened by the storm brewing ahead of me.  I can see the clouds forming, and I don't know if I'm prepared for whats to come.  Are we ever truly prepared?  Like a blade of grass on the wind, such is life.  You can't predict it, things just happen.  Life persists.